Getting Unstuck For Real
As a coach I hear a lot of people talking about circumstances and situations where they feel truly stuck. I can empathize with the pain that stuckness creates. The indecisive quagmire of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” scenarios. Nothing is more mentally painful than to find yourself in the middle section of the “I want this but I don’t want this” continuum. Personal inner turmoil ups anxiety and anxiety is the worst state to make any decision possible resulting in more stuckness. Stuckness is universal, but I am here to tell you that there is no universal answer to your stuckness.
If you research this topic you will find a lot of people talk at length on how to get unstuck from a difficult situation. Often their answers will appear trite as they preface their help lines with “If you only…” or “You should…” or how about “Why don’t you just..” The list can go on forever. It is disheartening when the person you enlist to assist you just doesn’t get it. I am going to approach stuckness from a very different paradigm. I am here to be a voice crying out to you in the wilderness to tell you that you are actually stuck for a very GOOD REASON and this reason is what is causing a lot of indecisiveness in your life. The resulting indecisiveness is merely a symptom to why you are stuck. You need to get to the root cause that is unique to you. A one size fits all approach will NOT work.
Many people helpers will try to work on your indecisiveness instead of the reason for your stuckness. For example, some helpers might try to help you get your energy back by encouraging you to start implementing positive self talk (although positive self talk is always helpful). Perhaps doing jumping jacks every morning might help? No it won’t. Your problem isn’t that you are not doing jumping jacks, nor is it negative self talk, and it certainly is not looking for moments of zen and restfulness. The bottom line is that you are in a pit. You need a ladder, a rope, and the strength to pull yourself out of that pit. I won’t coach you to fill your life with what isn’t addressing your biggest concern or your personally identified level of stuckness. That would be a waste of time.
Recently I listened to an audiobook on how to coach yourself so that you could change your bad habits to good habits in 30 days. While listening I noticed that I became increasingly agitated. When I reflected further I realized that I was agitated because all the author did was use overused -one size fits- all cliche pep talks that I found to be annoying and unrelated to the specific concerns experienced by any given individual. If any of us could get unstuck by looking at memes, reading cliches or positive self talk there would be no need to hire a coach let alone be reading this article about “Getting Unstuck For Real.”
So let’s get real about your reason for the stuckness in your life that is causing you so much internal distress. Let’s talk about what you can begin to do to help yourself to climb out of that pit.
Competing commitments are often the culprit behind your stuckness. When your values/deeply held beliefs compete with your other deeply held beliefs you will stay stuck in your pit. What you value in your heart of hearts is battling with a host of counterfeit values called “shouldas, oughtas, wouldas and couldas.” These four constructs are often what keep you stuck. They are not your actual values or deeply held beliefs but are constructs that you picked up through your life story. This is why I say you are actually stuck for a very good reason. My role as coach is to challenge the shouldas, oughtas, wouldas, and coudas that are distracting you from being able to identify what it is you truly value. Once you are able to identify what your true values and deeply held beliefs you will be much clearer on which path to take.
No one wants to feel stuck, loop back into old patterns of self destructive behaviours, or suffer the inner turmoil that comes with making a decision that hurts regardless which path you choose. You are in a difficult situation. Indecisiveness is a very sneaky culprit that preys upon the perfectionist & people pleaser in all of us.
Imagine with me that an acquaintance whom you’ve met through mutual friends seems to be increasingly showing up in your circles. At first you don’t pay much attention to them. You don’t notice them all that much. Then suddenly this acquaintance “friend” has seemingly made themselves very comfortable getting all set up in your house. You watch as they raid your refrigerator, take over your comfy chair located directly in front of your big screen tv. This acquaintance is annoying, troublesome, and inconsiderate. Say hello to indecisiveness.
Let’s work together to uncover what has brought you to this level of stuckness. Lets work to support you to discern what values and deeply held beliefs matter most to you. So before we ask indecisiveness to leave we assess your competing commitments in order to get you out from that space between a rock and a hard place. Together we can find out what you really care about so that you can make some hard choices ensuring what you value most is being addressed in the decision that you choose to make. At this point you can ask indecisiveness to leave and open the door to “Quality of Life”.
Thanks for reading,