At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we understand that healthy relationships are the foundation of personal growth and emotional well-being. Yet one of the most destructive outcomes of divorce or separation is the way it can tear at the parent-child bond through parental alienation. For alienated parents, the grief is profound—they watch in anguish as a once-strong relationship with their children deteriorates under a storm of manipulation and disparagement.
While some parents may focus only on their own wounds, they often do not realize the collateral damage of constant bad-mouthing or retelling of grievances. For the children—whether young or grown—the result is confusion, emotional instability, and a loyalty bind that no child should have to bear.
Dr. Richard A. Warshak, in his seminal book Divorce Poison: Protecting Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, shows how parental alienation is not just a phase or a childish misunderstanding—it’s a sustained process of one parent undermining the child’s relationship with the other. And while alienation is often assumed to affect only children, its impact extends well into adulthood. Confusion, guilt, fractured identity, and resentment can haunt adult children for years, even decades.
In this article, I will build on Warshak’s research, integrate Dr. John Gottman’s insights on why marriages fail, and offer my perspective on why alienation persists. At its core, alienation is not evidence of love but of control. It exposes marriages that were never truly grounded in mutual respect and affection, but rather in dominance, use, and self-interest.
What Is Parental Alienation?
Warshak defines parental alienation as one parent deliberately turning a child against the other through criticism, false accusations, or emotional coercion. Children are placed in a position of conflict where they are expected to choose one parent, often at the expense of their own well-being.
As Warshak explains, “Children are not just passive victims; they are often placed in a role where they must choose sides—creating a toxic loyalty conflict.” This forced role distorts not only their view of the alienated parent but also their understanding of love, loyalty, and trust.
Divorce as the Great Revealer
Many assume that marriages end because of external problems—infidelity, financial stress, or career pressures. But research by Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades, paints a different picture. Gottman’s work shows that the leading indicators of divorce are not money or betrayal but the way partners handle conflict.
In his studies, Gottman identified what he called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—relational behaviors that predict marital failure with astonishing accuracy:
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Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character instead of addressing behavior.
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Contempt: Belittling, mocking, or showing disdain—eroding respect.
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Defensiveness: Refusing responsibility, shifting blame.
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Stonewalling: Withdrawing and shutting down communication.
When these patterns dominate and repair attempts fail, marriages collapse.
Divorce, then, is not usually caused by a single dramatic event. It is the great revealer—it exposes what was already broken. Lack of listening, constant berating, domineering control, smear campaigns, and emotional neglect are often present long before separation. The divorce simply pulls the curtain back, making these destructive dynamics visible in full light.
And tragically, the same behaviours that eroded the marriage often resurface in even sharper detail afterward. Instead of attacking their spouse directly, the alienating partner now uses the children as pawns to continue the cycle of control.
The Toxic Effects of Alienation on Adult Children
Even adult children—who may appear strong and independent—are not immune to the damage of alienation. Its effects ripple through their sense of identity, relationships, and mental health.
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Confusion and Identity Struggles: Being told one parent is unworthy undermines a child’s sense of self, leaving them unsure of who to trust or where they belong.
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Resentment Toward Both Parents: Adult children often withdraw from both, seeing neither as safe.
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Anxiety and Guilt: Feeling pressured to “choose sides” creates guilt that can last for decades, often affecting their ability to form healthy bonds.
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Relationship Struggles: Scarred by toxic models of love, many children of alienation carry trust issues and poor conflict-resolution skills into their own marriages.
The Struggles of Alienated Parents
Alienated parents face not only the loss of their children’s trust but also a crushing emotional and social toll.
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Powerlessness: Many watch helplessly as their relationship with their children unravels, unable to intervene.
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Legal Battles: Alienating spouses often manipulate the courts, prolonging custody disputes or inventing accusations.
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Social Isolation: Friends and family may “take sides,” leaving the alienated parent stigmatized.
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Emotional Collapse: Depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness are common as parents endure rejection and ongoing attacks.
Why Parental Alienation Persists: Control, Not Love
The persistence of alienation is one of its most devastating features. Long after divorce papers are signed, the alienating parent often continues their campaign of disparagement. Why? Because alienation was never about love.
If a marriage is truly rooted in love, even when it ends, there remains a baseline of respect. Love seeks the good of the other. But in cases of alienation, the marriage was never founded on love at all—it was built on self-interest and control.
The alienating spouse likely never loved their partner in the way love is meant to be experienced. They may have needed them, used them, or benefited from what they provided—financial security, status, stability, or caretaking. But that is not love. It was about how the alienating partner could maintain power and meet their own needs. Once the marriage ends, they simply shift tactics—using children instead of a spouse to continue their domination.
💡 Call-Out Insight
Alienation unmasks the truth: the alienating parent never truly loved you. They used you, and when you left, they used the children to keep control.
This is why alienation is so destructive. It reveals that what looked like love was often manipulation. The alienating parent does not stop because their aim was never reconciliation—it was always to win, to dominate, and to silence the other voice in the room.
Fault-Finding and Silence: The Battle Beyond Divorce
Another hallmark of alienation is relentless fault-finding. The alienating spouse will use any weapon available to disparage the parent who left. Every flaw, poor decision, or moment of weakness becomes ammunition in a never-ending high-conflict battle.
Of course, every human being has faults. No marriage is without mistakes. But the alienating spouse magnifies these imperfections, twisting them into character assassinations designed to crucify the leaving partner.
Meanwhile, the alienated parent often remains silent. Out of love for their children, they refuse to retaliate or expose the alienator’s own failures. Their silence is not weakness—it is dignity. It is the quiet strength of a parent who chooses restraint to protect their children from further pain, even while enduring deep injustice.
Healing and Rebuilding
Though the pain of alienation is immense, healing is possible. Experts like Warshak and Gottman agree that healing requires intentionality, humility, and courage.
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End the Negative Talk: Protect children from disparaging remarks, no matter their age.
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Open Communication: Give children the freedom to love both parents without guilt.
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Therapy and Coaching: Professional support helps reframe the pain and rebuild trust.
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Unconditional Love: Reassure children that your love is steadfast, even if they waver in their response.
Alienation inflicts wounds that may last for years, but it also reveals the resilience of parents who choose dignity over retaliation. True healing begins when we call alienation what it is—control, not love—and take steps to protect children from being caught in its grip.
At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we help parents and families navigate these challenges. If you’re struggling with parental alienation, estrangement, or the lasting wounds of conflict, you don’t have to face it alone.
👉 To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
- Check out, “Writing to Your Ex with Dignity: Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation
- Check out, “Navigating Grief: The Pain of Estrangement from an Adult Child.” Click here
- Check out, “Navigating the Heartache of Family Estrangement.” Click Here
- Check out, “Navigating the Pain.” Click Here
- Check out, “Is Severing Ties with Abusive Adult Child Justified?”Click Here
- Check out, “Finding Hope & Healing Through Faith.” Click Here
- Check out, “Recovering From Rejection.” Click Here
- Check out, “Unveiling Family Cut Offs.” Click Here
Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon
