Family Bullying Part 1: When your Family of Origin Makes You Sick

Are you a real life cinderella or cinderfella?

Family scapegoating is the similar to bullying (only worse)

Many of my clients display self-destructive patterns and symptoms that can often be traced back to their role as the family scapegoat within an unhealthy family of origin. Being the scapegoat is the pinnacle of familial bullying—occurring at a time when a developing child needed protection but instead faced ridicule; when they deserved to be celebrated but were mocked; and when they should have been treated with dignity, honour, and love but were instead devalued and dismissed. Tragically, the emotional scars of this role can feel as visible and permanent as goat horns—impossible to hide and always on display for the world to see.

The indignities inflicted on a child’s developing sense of self have far-reaching consequences that extend well into adulthood. Because this is such a complex and deeply layered topic, I have divided the discussion into a three-part series. This first article will focus on educating readers about family systems, while subsequent articles will share real-life stories to bring these concepts to life. Most importantly, as this series unfolds, you will begin to shift your perspective—from seeing yourself as a scapegoated individual to embracing the truth of who you truly are. Instead of carrying the weight of those symbolic “goat horns” through life, a path to victory awaits. It won’t be easy, and it will require effort, but freedom and healing are possible.

How Scapegoating Reveals Itself

When you sit in my coaching office, it is often clear when someone has been or is being scapegoated within their family. I use global listening—a practice of observing your words, body language, and emotional tone—to identify how this painful dynamic may still be showing up in your life.

The impact of scapegoating is profound. It creates a distorted worldview—a lens through which you see yourself as the problem, even when you are not. To help you understand this distortion, imagine placing a pen in a clear glass of water. The pen looks broken, split into two pieces. But when you pull it out, the pen is whole.

You are whole. The distortion you feel comes from the toxic family dynamics you endured—the “water, glass, and light” that warped your perception of yourself. The truth is, you are not broken.

How Scapegoating Shows Up in Your Life

If you have been assigned the role of the scapegoat, it often surfaces in subtle but deeply impactful ways. These patterns are not flaws. They are symptoms of the pain you have carried and the lies you were taught to believe:

• Self-doubt and constant second-guessing
• Difficulty making decisions out of fear of getting it wrong
• Fear of failure—and even fear of success
• Feelings of shame, helplessness, and worthlessness
• Seeing others as favoured while you feel invisible and left out
• Fear of shining too brightly—not wanting to make others jealous or angry
• Avoiding attention because being noticed feels unsafe
• Letting others take advantage of you—your time, your money, your resources
• Staying in one-sided, unhealthy relationships
• Feeling stuck in jobs or careers where you are undervalued and underpaid
• A persistent sense of being small, unseen, and unworthy in a world that feels too big

Recognizing the Patterns

If you recognize yourself in any of these experiences, know this: these behaviours stem from how you were treated, not from who you are. The scapegoat role was assigned to you; it is not your identity.

In my office, once clients begin to share their stories, a pattern emerges. Together, we uncover how the scapegoating began in their family of origin and how it continues to affect their lives today. This realization marks the beginning of a shift—from distorted beliefs to the truth of your worth.

Moving Forward

You are not broken. The way you see yourself has been shaped by pain, but it does not have to define you. With awareness, work, and support, you can shed the role of the scapegoat and step into the truth of who you are: worthy, whole, and free.

The Dysfunctional Family System: Where the Narcissistic Parent Builds a Delusional Kingdom

In dysfunctional families, a narcissistic parent sits at the helm, orchestrating a kingdom where control, blame, and manipulation rule. These systems are not random; they are deliberately structured—whether consciously or not—to elevate the narcissist and those they favour while demoting others. In this toxic microcosm, a specific family member is assigned the role of scapegoat.

The narcissistic parent, driven by an insatiable need for attention, control, and adoration, builds this “kingdom” to serve their fragile ego. Unlike healthy parents, whose goal is to nurture independent, strong individuals, the narcissist views their children as extensions of themselves—tools to shore up their insecurities and meet their needs. Responsibility is never theirs to carry unless it brings praise or admiration. When things go wrong, blame must fall on someone else, and the scapegoat becomes the perfect target.

The Role of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family

The scapegoat serves a critical purpose: to absolve the narcissist and their favourites of accountability. In the narcissist’s carefully crafted narrative, someone must always be at fault so that everyone else—especially the narcissist—can remain blameless. This toxic thinking poisons the family system. Even when the scapegoat is absent or unrelated to the issue, they are framed as the cause of all dysfunction.

The result is deeply abusive. The narcissist, desperate to feed their delusions of superiority and control, will sacrifice another family member without hesitation. This system is not just unhealthy—it is insidious and downright cruel.

How This Sets You Up for Workplace Bullying

The impact of being scapegoated doesn’t end in childhood. Growing up in a family that weaponized blame teaches you to tolerate mistreatment. Without a healthy reference point for what fair treatment looks like, you may find yourself falling into similar dynamics in adulthood—especially in workplaces where narcissistic personalities hold power.

Narcissists in professional settings build their own delusional kingdoms, mirroring the dysfunction of your childhood. They manipulate teams, deflect blame, and elevate themselves by tearing others down. If you grew up as the scapegoat, you may unknowingly step back into a familiar role—tolerating bullying, minimizing your worth, and accepting mistreatment because it feels normal.

Shedding the “Goat Horns”

But here’s the truth: the role you were forced to play was never yours to own. The horns you’ve been carrying—those feelings of blame, shame, and inadequacy—are not real. They were placed on you by someone pathologically incapable of seeing your value.

Take a moment now to imagine those horns. Touch them. Feel them. What if they were never solid, but just paper-thin lies carefully crafted to serve someone else’s brokenness? They can be removed. It was not your fault then, and it is not your fault now.

A Path Forward

You did not deserve to be mistreated, and you do not have to tolerate mistreatment today. As you continue to explore this series, you will learn to identify what healthy treatment looks like—and what you will no longer accept in your life. You will start to discern the truth of your worth and begin to shed the false identity the narcissist created for you.

Now, put your hand on your head. Don’t those horns feel just a little lighter? Maybe, for the first time, you can see them for what they truly are: paper-thin remnants of someone else’s delusion.

Freedom is possible. You are worthy. And you can step out of the narcissist’s shadow into the light of who you were always meant to be.

If you would like to have 1:1 coaching feel free to reach out to lesley@waypointcoaching.ca or george@waypointcoaching.ca. We work online with people all over the world and in person at our coaching office located in Steinbach, Manitoba, Canada.

If you would like 1:1 coaching, feel free to reach out to lesley@waypointcoaching.ca or george@waypointcoaching.ca. We work with clients worldwide online and in person at our office in Steinbach, Manitoba, Canada.

Next in the Series: In Part 2, check out “Mobbing & Treated Like a Scapegoat – part 2. Click Here

To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here