The Silent Weight of Resentment: How Holding a Grudge Harms Your Health and Relationships

A Case Study: Emma’s Story

Emma, a mother in her late fifties, had always been close to her son, Ryan. She supported him through his education, celebrated his milestones, and stood by him during difficult times. But after Ryan married, his relationship with Emma gradually faded. Over time, he became distant, eventually cutting off all contact without explanation. The pain of estrangement was overwhelming, and Emma found herself consumed with resentment. She replayed conversations in her head, blaming his spouse, his in-laws, and even herself. The grudge she held became a defining force in her life—impacting her sleep, relationships, and mental well-being.

Emma’s experience is not unique. Holding onto resentment in the wake of estrangement can feel like a form of self-protection, but in reality, it can be deeply damaging. Psychological research confirms that chronic resentment contributes to stress-related disorders, disrupts emotional regulation, and harms both mental and physical health (Luskin, 2002; Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

The Cost of Holding a Grudge

Holding onto a grudge often feels justified, yet it can silently erode well-being. Neuroscientific studies show that rumination and unresolved anger activate the amygdala—the brain’s fear and stress center—prolonging emotional distress and reinforcing negative thought patterns (van Oyen Witvliet et al., 2001). Moreover, chronic anger increases cortisol production, which has been linked to higher blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, and a weakened immune system (Williams & Williams, 1993).

Beyond physical health, grudges negatively affect relationships. When resentment takes root, it influences interactions with others, leading to heightened sensitivity, distrust, and withdrawal. This can result in strained marriages, friendships, and family dynamics, creating cycles of isolation and bitterness. In contrast, studies indicate that individuals who practice forgiveness experience lower levels of anxiety and depression, greater life satisfaction, and improved social connectedness (Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015).

Why We Hold Grudges

Grudges often stem from deep emotional wounds, a sense of betrayal, or an unresolved conflict. For estranged parents, the pain of rejection by their child can feel unbearable. The belief that holding onto anger will somehow hold the child accountable or provide justice is a natural response to hurt. However, in doing so, parents may unknowingly keep themselves bound to the pain, unable to experience the full measure of healing and restoration. Research suggests that persistent resentment activates the brain’s stress response, reinforcing emotional distress and prolonging psychological suffering (Luskin, 2002).

Breaking Free from the Cycle

Letting go of a grudge is not about excusing hurtful behavior or dismissing one’s pain. Rather, it is a conscious decision to release the power that resentment holds over one’s life. Here are some steps to help in this journey:

1. Acknowledge the Hurt – Recognize the pain and validate your emotions. It’s okay to feel hurt, betrayed, or disappointed.
2. Shift Your Perspective – Consider how holding onto anger is affecting your life. Are you giving more power to the wound than to your healing?
3. Embrace Forgiveness – Forgiveness is not about the other person; it is a gift you give yourself. Studies have found that forgiveness reduces stress and enhances overall well-being by promoting emotional regulation and reducing rumination (Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015).
4. Seek Support – Speaking with a trusted friend, counselor, or faith-based community can help process emotions and provide guidance on releasing grudges.
5. Pray for Strength – For those with a Christian faith, asking God for the strength to release resentment and trust in His plan can be a source of profound healing.

Moving Toward Peace

Letting go of grudges doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or pretending the pain never existed. It means choosing to no longer let it define your life. As difficult as estrangement may be, finding peace within yourself allows you to focus on what you can control—your own healing, growth, and resilience.

At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we support parents in navigating the complex emotions that come with estrangement. Releasing grudges is a step toward reclaiming peace and embracing the life you deserve, regardless of the choices others make.

If you’re ready to move forward, reach out to us at Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching. Healing is possible, and hope remains within reach.

To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here

For further reading check out, “Embracing Growth.” Click Here

References

Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. HarperCollins.

Toussaint, L., Worthington, E. L., & Williams, D. R. (2015). Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health. Springer.

van Oyen Witvliet, C., Ludwig, T. E., & Vander Laan, K. L. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science, 12(2), 117-123.

Williams, R. B., & Williams, V. P. (1993). Anger Kills: Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility That Can Harm Your Health. HarperOne.

Worthington, E. L., & Scherer, M. (2004). Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: Theory, review, and hypotheses. Psychology & Health, 19(3), 385-405.