Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation: Writing to Your Ex with Dignity

Dear Ex-Husband: Let’s Not Harm Our Children in the Name of Old Wounds

There was a time when we stood together—as partners, as parents, and as companions on life’s journey. And while that chapter ended in divorce, we still share something sacred: our children.

They are grown now. But they are not untouched.

As adults, they carry their own questions, their own pain, and their own attempts to make sense of the past. And that’s why I’m writing—not to reopen old wounds, but to ask for something far more important than resolution: restraint.

I know the pain that came with our divorce. I’ve lived it too. I’ve taken long, hard looks in the mirror and owned my part in what went wrong. I’ve sought forgiveness—from God, and from within myself. And I can say with full honesty: if we had known how to divorce better, we might have known how to stay married.

The endless arguing, the slow unraveling of connection, the wear and tear on both our hearts were real—but they are not our children’s burden. They don’t need to carry the weight of what we couldn’t resolve.

And that is where I must speak plainly: it needs to stop.

The sideways comments. The massively exaggerated recollections. The attempts to cast me—or anyone connected to me—in a poor light when speaking with our adult children. These things don’t offer comfort or truth. They cause confusion, pain, and division.

You may think you’re just telling your side of the story. But when that “side” comes at the expense of the other parent’s dignity, it becomes something else entirely: parental alienation.

It’s a term most often used in custody disputes, but the damage doesn’t vanish once children become adults. In fact, badmouthing a parent—or their new spouse—to grown children can have long-lasting psychological effects, including:

• identity confusion

• misplaced guilt

• anxiety about loyalty

• and ruptured family bonds that never needed to break

It puts them in an impossible position—forced to question the love, character, or intentions of a parent they know, while trying to maintain peace with the one asking them to doubt it.

I have never spoken poorly of you to our children. Not once. Not because I haven’t felt hurt or anger—and certainly not because I lack stories I could tell—but because I’ve chosen dignity. I believe that how we speak about each other, especially in front of our children, becomes the script they internalize. It shapes how they view love, loyalty, conflict—and even themselves.

And let me be clear about something else: I devoted my entire adult life to our children. From the time I was barely more than a child myself, my world revolved around nurturing, teaching, protecting, and loving them. Every decision I made, every sacrifice, every heartbeat was anchored in that calling. So if you were looking for a way to hurt me, sowing doubt in their hearts—especially about things that never concerned them personally—is certainly one of the deepest. This was marital discord, not children discord. Dragging them into it only adds unnecessary confusion and pain to wounds that were never theirs to bear.

Don’t do this to them.

They will miss out. They will lose. And long after your voice is silenced and your anger has faded, the residue of it will live on in their hearts—in confusion, pain, and relational loss.

Please understand this: my version is not your version. My heart was broken long before the breakup. My decisions were not what you believe they were. The truth is far more layered than the narrative being told. And continuing to spread that narrative doesn’t just hurt me—it harms our children. It fractures the very foundation of trust and love they deserve to stand on.

We can’t undo the past. But we can choose how we move forward. You have the power to leave behind more than anger. You have the opportunity to leave a legacy of love and peace.

Let’s learn from the past—but not use it to justify hurting our adult children in the present.

One day, we’ll both be gone. And our children will be left with the memories we allowed them to keep—or the ones we shattered through bitterness.

So I ask you:
Do you want them to live divided?
Do you want them to carry wounds that were never theirs to bear?

Or do you want them to look back and say,
“My parents had their differences—but they never made me choose. They loved me more than they disliked each other.”

I want you to know that I am choosing to forgive you—for all of it. For the ways you’ve let me down, for your human foibles, and even for how you’ve spoken about me to others in the family. I won’t carry that weight any longer, and I won’t let it shape how I show up for our children. I believe forgiveness could reign for both of us, if we allow it. Not to erase the past—but to reshape the future.

We still have the chance to give our children something better—a family where they can exhale. Where they don’t have to brace themselves at holidays, celebrations, or even phone calls, worried about which parent is hurt or holding a grudge. Let’s give them the gift of peace. The gift of knowing that, even if everything didn’t work out the way we hoped, we found a way to rise above it—for them. Let’s give them the best of us now.

You have the power to choose forgiveness—not because it makes everything okay, but because it sets you free. And in doing so, you release our children from a burden that was never meant for them to carry. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself—and a gift you give them. It allows you to step out of blame and into growth. It allows them to stay lighthearted and unburdened.

You can set yourself free by learning from your own mistakes. That’s what our children need most—not perfection, but humility and integrity. They are amazing, wonderful, and delightfully unique human beings. Let’s protect that. Let’s choose the kind of peace that gives them the freedom to love both of us without fear or conflict.

They deserve better.
And deep down, I believe we both do, too.

With respect,
A mother who still wants peace—for all of us

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Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
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