Moving from Scapegoat to the Champion of Your Own Life: Series on Family Bullying Part 3

The Future of the Narcissist is Bleak While the Future of the Scapegoat is Hopeful

What you don’t transform you will transmit. Without intervention the sins of the forefathers have a way of multiplying forward. Even though the best of intentions are within most of us, without serious reflection and the development of a strong emotional quotient people tend to fall into automatic patterns of thinking and subsequent behaviours. Roles in dysfunctional families can be overcome, but one way to know how far you’ve come from acting and living like a scapegoat is when family events and gatherings arise. For example, as siblings age and are reunited at some event or crossroads, such as, weddings, funerals etc. without personal growth most fall back into the familiar toxic relating styles with which they grew up. Scapegoat bashing resumes, but the difference will be in how will you process it? How will you deal with it? Later in this article you will learn some specific strategies to help you see yourself in the light of the truth of who you are. This true belief is what will help you change how you interact with your entire world, including when you are around the original source of your former scapegoat persona.

Narcissists Want What is Best For Them: they don’t care about what is best for you.

It appears that not all families truly want what is best for you. When it comes to families with addictions & narcissism combined with overall anger management issues you can be certain that your family does not want what is best for you (especially if it means it won’t be best for them). Narcissistic family members become highly motivated by what is best for themselves. Essentially it becomes a pecking order of the fittest and strongest. Research indicates that within these family systems the older children significantly abuse younger siblings at an alarming rate. Why wouldn’t they? They have a role model of a parent who exhibits nasty, punitive and hateful behaviours. They have learned these ways from the parent. In essence the whole family is victimized with the narcissistic parent at the helm. Younger siblings are typically the recipient of the pecking order and are often brutalized by the pain within the family system. Siblings have fought since the beginning of time. Anyone remember the story of Cain & Abel? Jealousy, competition, blame shifting, scapegoating, and power moves are common in dysfunctional families.

These narcissistic families systems exhibit toxic ineffective parenting. When you find yourself judged by a standard that your family of origin members they themselves do not measure up you know you are dealing with a family system that is wrought with double standards, power and control issues and essentially mental abuse. Ever heard a sibling screaming and yelling that you are disrespectful while they are running you into the ground? Hey kettle are you black? So what can you do about it?

Healthy Detachment

You can start to detach in the most healthy way possible. Start with identifying the lines between who you are and who you are not. Start self-differentiating. You are not who your family of origin says that you are. Remember that there is a lot of information out there on self-differentiation. Learn what it means that you are a separate-self not defined by the insecure needs of immature and underdeveloped dysfunctional family members, but by a God who breathed life into you. I heard someone say once that God makes us all “free agents.” You are a free agent. Become aware that you are making choices. Opt for self-care and detox from the mental abuse/poison your family of origin injected into your veins. Just like the child born to a meth addict has to endure the painful experience of detox you too must detox your mind from all the lies, evil intent and toxic voices in your head that were imposed upon you in childhood. Here is the first step. Give those toxic voices in your head a name. For example, people with eating disorders are told to give their eating disorder a name in order to begin to distinguish the voice that is their true self from the voice that is their eating disorder. One woman calls her eating disorder voice Ed (for eating disorder). Another person calls her scapegoated voice Secona (which stands for Self Condemnation). When you hear these voices start speaking back to them. “No Secona, I don’t believe what you have to say to me. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone. Even though they are raging at me I’m not going to allow you to punish me and I’m certainly not going to punish myself.” You don’t have to accept everything that anyone says. You can reject it! Reject deep within your heart. No more aligning yourself with agreements with lies about who you were created to be.

How To Take Care Of  Yourself (Don’ts and Do’s)

• I always encourage the scapegoat to never be alone with any of the family of origin members.
• Don’t write family members emails, or send videos to help explain your thinking without first sharing it with someone who truly loves you and who has your back.
• Be assertive without being aggressive.
• Find your voice.
• Journal, chat with a friend, and introduce yourself to someone new.
• Reality check all communication you must have with the narcissist. Examine emails, conversations etc with someone loves you and cares about your best interests as they will tell you the truth of your perception (this is important as the narcissist will skew their meaning of their words based on your reactions. They will tell you that you heard them wrong, that they didn’t say this or that, or that it is all in your head).
• Never explain yourself to the narcissistic abusive people in your life. It is normal to want to explain yourself (especially when you are being misunderstood) but I am observing more and more that you cannot explain yourselves to these abusive people because they don’t care what you think. “They need you to be awful in their minds.” So nothing you say or do will change their thinking.
• Do not waste your good nature on those who do not own a good nature.
• Limit contact, go no contact, breathe, live, pray, and remember that you matter and your feelings matter.
• Now is the time to set your goals, lose that weight, finish that course, and start that new project.
• Put your mind on good things and surround yourself with those who truly know you and love you, and especially surround yourself with those who actually DELIGHT in you! This is how you were designed. You were not designed for the abuse and rot that smolders from a dysfunctional family. You were made to exhibit and experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self control. Be with those who celebrate you! Don’t even settle for those who tolerate you.
• Also remember to always remove yourself from abusive and punitive people who have ranked themselves as more important than you.
• Leave jobs where you’ve found yourself experiencing many of the same feelings from your family of origin. Beef up your resume, look, seek and knock. Do not give up and learn to leave when a narcissist is at the helm in your workplace.
• Resist the urge to agree with the negative voices in your mind and then the hauntings of these evil characters will leave your life.
• Make new friends, recognize what is healthy and what is not.
• Don’t overshare everything you think and feel with people who do not love you.
• Treat yourself as the unique and valued gift that you are to the world. Send yourself flowers, build yourself a new piece of furniture, take your painting to the next level.
• Go camping, sit around a bonfire, sing in the car and remember to laugh.
• Go for that bike ride, run, or walk in your neighbourhood.
• Get outside.
• Plant something.
• Start taking control of your thoughts. Thoughts create feelings and then feelings create behaviours. You can do this. We can all do this.
• Hire George or Lesley and allow us the privilege to walk alongside you out of that pit and into the life you were meant to live.

If you would like to have 1:1 coaching feel free to reach out to lesley@waypointcoaching.ca or george@waypointcoaching.ca. We work online with people all over the world and in person at our coaching office located in Steinbach, Manitoba, Canada.

Until next time,

Lesley