So now that your goat horns are beginning to feel like paper, what does that make you think? Perhaps they are removable? Let’s see what happens next.
The Function Within the Dysfunction
Emotional maturity views the world very differently from the patterns of a dysfunctional family system. In a healthy family environment, there is space for open communication, where members can clarify their ideas, revise their thoughts, change their minds, and work toward shared goals. Each member supports one another in striving to reach their fullest potential. Mentally healthy family members recognize that everyone has room to grow, that mistakes are part of being human, and that taking ownership and responsibility for one’s actions is essential. Forgiveness is not only sought but also offered generously and sincerely.
In contrast, an unhealthy family system is often marked by punitive behaviours that manifest in various harmful ways. These include ostracizing individuals, belittling, gossiping, weaponizing sarcasm, smearing reputations, and excluding members over perceived wrongs. Among these, exclusion deserves particular emphasis because of the profound emotional pain it inflicts on its target and the power it grants to the narcissist or those emulating such behaviours. In dysfunctional systems, exclusion becomes both a tool of control and a form of social currency for those seeking dominance at the expense of others
Emotional Immaturity Works
The root cause of dysfunction in these families is often overlooked: the narcissist’s profound emotional immaturity. They lack the ability to process uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways, instead resorting to manipulative, immature tactics that have worked for them in the past. These tactics include yelling, throwing tantrums, dominating conversations, cutting others off mid-sentence, and building one-sided narratives to suit their agenda. Narcissists are relentless in their pursuit of what they want—or in avoiding what they don’t want, such as responsibility—and they will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, regardless of the cost to themselves or others.
Narcissists can be obsessively vindictive. I’ve witnessed narcissists lose sleep, waste money, and fixate on their targets, solely to inflict harm. As the old saying goes, they will “cut off their nose to spite their face.” For example, I know of a narcissist who squandered not only her own inheritance but also that of her siblings, frivolously spending on meaningless items just to ensure her siblings didn’t receive their fair share. This highlights an important warning: be wary of narcissistic siblings who manipulate their way into roles like executor of an estate.
Narcissists operate without scruples. Lying, smearing reputations, and trampling on the dignity of others pose no moral dilemma for them. They do not know how to negotiate, collaborate, or treat others with respect—and more importantly, they don’t care. Their self-centered worldview revolves around their own desires, and any “care” they show for others is transactional, rooted in what they can gain. Narcissism is, at its core, an extreme form of deviant, callous selfishness. Reasoning with someone who cares only about themselves and disregards everyone else is futile.
Some narcissists go so far as to believe they are entitled to your time, money, and possessions. I know of one individual who spends an inordinate amount of time in small claims court, as public records confirm. They repeatedly drag unsuspecting defendants through unnecessary legal battles to satisfy their inflated sense of entitlement.
Two of the most effective tools in the narcissist’s arsenal are rage and playing the “victim.” Narcissists have an uncanny ability to position themselves as victims even after they’ve cruelly abused, abandoned, or hurt their own children or other targets.
For instance, I once knew a narcissist who showed me bruises covering her arms, tearfully explaining how they resulted from a fight with her husband and that the police were called to intervene. Initially, I felt compassion. However, as the truth emerged, it turned out that she had inflicted those bruises on herself while viciously attacking her husband with her fists. Her husband had called the police seeking help, yet she spun the story to garner sympathy and attention. This type of selective storytelling is common among narcissists—they strategically edit details to paint themselves in a favorable light and secure what is known as “narcissistic supply.” Supply is the lifeblood of a narcissist: attention, sympathy, admiration, and status.
This behaviour is rooted in narcissistic rage—a profound and irrational anger triggered by perceived slights, known clinically as “narcissistic injury.” At its core, this rage stems from an immense emotional deficit. It serves as a powerful tool for manipulation, as the narcissist’s irrational and frightening outbursts can cause those around them to capitulate out of fear. When a narcissist acts like an emotional toddler throwing a tantrum, it often seems easier to give in than to endure the relentless demands. Unfortunately, this reinforces the narcissist’s behaviour.
So, what happens if you give in to an angry person today? You’ll be giving in tomorrow, the next day, and for as long as you maintain a relationship with them. Standing your ground is difficult, but it is absolutely necessary. Capitulation may offer temporary relief, but in the long run, it only empowers the narcissist’s harmful behaviour.
Getting Away With Theft
Narcissists are the ultimate thieves, believing they are entitled to everything you have. Their lives are consumed by coveting—a relentless longing for what is not theirs—because they are deeply jealous individuals. If they see an opportunity to take something from you, even metaphorically “the shirt off your back,” they will. In their distorted minds, they believe that everything you possess is rightfully theirs. Yet, their entitlement doesn’t stop with material things. Narcissists will go so far as to steal your friends, your parents, your children, and even your grandchildren.
I’ve encountered narcissists who have completely taken over other people’s families, parents, and even businesses that never belonged to them. Have you ever met someone who commandeered spaces and relationships they had no right to lead? Narcissists are experts at infiltrating boundaries and inserting themselves into the lives of others. They are master manipulators, highly skilled at influencing people to serve their own agenda.
While the term narcissist comes from mythology, a more fitting name might be “Extreme People Manipulators.” Narcissists don’t just manipulate individuals; they manipulate entire groups, organizations, and systems. Wherever there are people, you will likely find a narcissist lurking in the midst, exploiting social dynamics for their gain. Their behaviour thrives in social settings where they can leverage others to satisfy their selfish desires.
The problem is, narcissists don’t come with a warning label. That’s why it’s critical to learn to identify the signs. Start by trusting your instincts—your gut feelings, your observations, and your reflective experiences. If you’ve been conditioned as the family scapegoat, you may have been trained to distrust yourself. Now is the time to get curious about how you experience situations and the people around you. You don’t need to confront anyone or take immediate action. Instead, become an observer—attuned and aware of the dynamics playing out before you.
In narcissistic households, the root cause of conflict is not the children or external circumstances. The truth is that narcissists (and those emulating them) suffer from severe emotional dysregulation. They lack the maturity and self-control to process their emotions, and instead resort to selfish, demanding, and manipulative tactics. These immature strategies persist because they work. Why engage in mature, reciprocal relationships when manipulation yields better results for them?
For the narcissist, winning is everything—and they will achieve it at all costs. Unfortunately, the costs are painfully high for those who bear the brunt of their abusive and self-centered behaviour.
Blame Shifters Promote Family Bullying
Narcissists operate with a childlike emotional immaturity, demanding that the world cater to their needs—or face the consequences. Their mindset echoes the classic excuse: “If only so-and-so had done this, or hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have to get so angry.” This is the ultimate form of blame-shifting, designed to deflect responsibility for their emotions and flawed thinking. Their internal dialogue often sounds like: “They made me lose control; they’re the reason for my torment.” It’s a smokescreen that distracts from the truth—that the narcissist has severe anger management problems but refuses to take ownership.
In contrast, healthy family systems embrace mistakes. Mistakes are seen not as failures, but as opportunities for growth, vulnerability, and genuine connection. They foster an environment where people can learn, share, and experience what it truly means to be human.
However, in toxic family systems, often dominated by a raging narcissist, mistakes are weaponized. Narcissists—and their protégés (children or others who emulate their behaviours)—never admit to wrongdoing or hurtful actions. Instead, they rationalize their outbursts by blaming others. This pattern extends beyond family dynamics and into workplaces, friendships, and social settings. Narcissists are skilled at identifying who they can target and who they cannot. They are image managers, always ensuring they come out of every situation as the “victim”, regardless of their abusive behaviour. This creates further harm for family or workplace scapegoats, who are burdened with even more blame and shame—a topic I will explore in a future article.
In these unhealthy dynamics, the only people allowed to make mistakes are the narcissistic parent and their chosen protégés. These protégés are often children being groomed to emulate the narcissist’s behaviours. Meanwhile, the rest of the family lives in fear of experiencing the narcissist’s wrath, so they join in pointing fingers at the designated scapegoat. In this twisted system, the scapegoat becomes the only person whose errors are acknowledged—whether real or fabricated.
To any rational outsider, this is an absurd lie. But within the family, it becomes a survival strategy. By aligning with the narcissist and avoiding any admission of fault, family members attempt to protect themselves from punishment. It’s not a rational environment—it’s a toxic system fueled by fear, blame, and manipulation. Survival, not truth, becomes the priority.
School Yard Bully Dynamics Within The Family
Just as schoolyard bullying often causes bystanders to remain silent, the same dynamic unfolds within dysfunctional family systems. This form of family bullying thrives on silence and complicity. No one speaks up for the scapegoated family member, either out of fear of the bully’s wrath or to avoid becoming a target themselves. In some cases, bystanders actively participate in punishing the scapegoat as a means of self-preservation. The more insidious scenarios occur when bystanders turn on the scapegoat to elevate their own status within the family hierarchy. By aligning themselves with the bully, they seek power, control, and protection from mistreatment. For those with fragile egos or unresolved issues of their own, this alignment feels safer than taking a stand.
It takes individuals with a strong sense of integrity and a solid support system to resist these toxic group dynamics. Unfortunately, when this behaviour is imposed on children by a parent (or parents), the result is often complete compliance with the family’s bullying patterns. Children in these environments quickly learn that challenging the status quo leads to unbearable consequences.
The role of the family scapegoat is to bear the “sins” of the entire household. Scapegoats become the emotional dumping ground for everyone else’s dysfunction. I cannot begin to describe how many scapegoats I have seen in my office—or how many others seek mental health support elsewhere. The weight of self-blame, self-condemnation, and self-recrimination is overwhelming. Many scapegoats internalize the abuse to such an extent that they become suicidal, engage in self-sabotaging behaviours, or find themselves trapped in unhealthy patterns within intimate relationships. They often expect mistreatment and unknowingly gravitate toward dynamics where their role as a scapegoat is perpetuated.
Breaking free from this cycle is difficult, but it begins with recognizing the role they were forced to play—and understanding that the blame they carry is not theirs to hold.
She Didn’t Want To Make Her Ex-Husband Look Bad
A client of mine, who had long been cast as the scapegoat within her family of origin, was navigating the painful process of divorce when her brother accused her of having an affair and failing to work on her marriage. Without fully knowing the truth, this toxic sibling violated her boundaries by engaging with her soon-to-be ex-husband and spreading his version of events to the rest of the family. What the brother never realized—or perhaps chose to ignore—was that it was the ex-husband who had been unfaithful, not the client. For years, she had endured her husband’s chronic dishonesty and relentless marital conflict, which ultimately led to the end of the marriage. Despite this, she couldn’t bring herself to share the truth with her brother, as she didn’t want to vilify her ex-husband. Yet her brother, alongside the ex-husband, seemed to take pleasure in dismantling her reputation.
The transition from separation to divorce is an intensely challenging and emotionally fraught time. Yet, in her dysfunctional family system, the client was met with a familiar dynamic she had endured since childhood: siblings offloading their pain onto her. At the very moment she was barely holding herself together, her brother projected his own unresolved pain onto her. This type of behaviour is often unconsciously driven by thoughts like, “I feel terrible about my own situation, so I’m going to make you feel even worse. I feel helpless, so I will blame you for the turmoil I carry within myself.”
In a healthy family system, she would have received unconditional love, compassion, and support during such a vulnerable time. Instead, her brother smeared her name throughout the family, cutting her off from any potential sources of emotional support. This left her isolated and alone at the exact moment when she needed connection the most.
This painful story highlights a common feature of dysfunctional families: the scapegoat becomes the default target for blame, shame, and projected pain. Rather than taking responsibility for their own struggles, family members like the brother direct their inner turmoil outward, ensuring the scapegoat bears the weight of everyone else’s unresolved suffering.
Needing Love Yet Receiving Pain
Scapegoats often allow dysfunctional, controlling individuals into their inner circles, and it’s usually only after significant suffering that they reach out for help. One of the greatest challenges in the coaching room is guiding the client to break free from the scapegoat role mantra—the deeply embedded belief that they are “not good enough” or that they somehow deserve to be mistreated. This belief often stems from a perceived sin, mistake, or past failure that the client has been conditioned to carry as justification for their abuse.
However, the truth is that in life, everyone will disappoint someone at some point. It is part of being human. Forgiveness—both for others and for oneself—is essential for moving forward. Yet, forgiveness and self-forgiveness are foreign concepts for many scapegoated individuals.
Because people tend to repeat what is familiar, scapegoats often find themselves unconsciously recreating the dynamics of their past—slipping back into the “two steps down” role that was assigned to them in their family of origin. The effects of this are profound. The psychological symptoms experienced by scapegoats mirror those seen in individuals who have endured severe mental torture—and with good reason. The scapegoat has, in fact, experienced profound emotional and mental abuse. What makes this abuse uniquely devastating is that it comes at the hands of the very people who were supposed to make them feel safe, valued, and loved.
As a result, those who have endured this form of familial mental torture carry a distinct wound. They often spend a lifetime questioning whether a safe, loving home is even possible. Many have given up hope that they have any power or agency to create a safe space for themselves in this world. This resignation stems from years of internalizing the message that they are undeserving of safety, care, and peace.
Breaking free from this cycle is not easy, but it begins with unlearning the false narrative they have carried for so long and reclaiming their right to safety, love, and self-worth.
Red Flags In My Office
The role of the family scapegoat serves as a symptom of the deeper dysfunction within the entire family system. The pain and emotional torment endured by the scapegoated individual often manifest through behaviours marked by self-loathing, self-reproach, and self-sabotage. These harmful patterns frequently indicate profoundly low self-worth, rooted in years of devaluation and a significant lack of emotional nurturance during their formative years.
When a person repeatedly apologizes unnecessarily, takes responsibility for situations they had no part in, or blames themselves for the abusive behaviours of others, it strongly suggests they may carry the weight of a scapegoat role. In these cases, it’s as if the scapegoat is unconsciously communicating, “You don’t need to hit me, yell at me, or shame me—I’ll do it for you.”
These behaviours reflect a survival mechanism deeply ingrained over time. By internalizing the blame and abuse, the scapegoat attempts to preempt further harm, a tragic legacy of their place within the family dynamic. Recognizing these patterns is essential to help the individual untangle themselves from this distorted belief system and begin the journey toward self-compassion, healing, and reclaiming their sense of worth.
Developing the “Self” in Nutrient Dense Environments
The development of a healthy “individual self” depends on a nurturing environment—one that fosters growth by allowing individuals to take risks, make mistakes, explore, laugh, cry, and express their full range of emotions in a safe and supportive space. Such an environment provides the nutrient-rich soil needed for emotional and psychological growth to flourish.
In stark contrast, the environment created by a narcissistic parent is toxic and barren. It is dominated by angry, self-absorbed individuals who manipulate others using harmful behaviours to feed their own sense of grandiosity. Narcissists prioritize their own needs at the expense of everyone else, and they will lie, manipulate, and exploit those who are vulnerable, frightened, or powerless to achieve their goals.
Few acts are as morally corrupt as manipulating vulnerable individuals for personal gratification. This kind of exploitation is not just selfish; it is profoundly evil, leaving deep emotional scars on those who are targeted. In such environments, growth is not just stunted—it is actively suffocated, leaving individuals to navigate the world with wounds inflicted by those who should have nurtured and protected them.
The Second In Command: It’s Much More Sinister Than You Think
Breaking free from a toxic family system begins with recognizing that the system itself exists. Understanding the power dynamics within the family is essential. Typically, the dominant narcissistic parent determines each family member’s role, with a “second-in-command”—often a narcissistic sibling—enforcing this hierarchy. But how does one sibling become so influential, to the point of participating in the selection and targeting of the family scapegoat? Two key criteria must be present for a child to become the narcissistic parent’s reflection and ally.
First, the narcissistic parent must see themselves in this child, viewing the child as an extension of their own identity. Second, the child must exhibit the same moral and character deficits as the narcissistic parent, albeit in a form appropriate to their age.
While many psychologists label this child the “Golden Child,” I do not necessarily see all golden children as narcissists in the making. Even within a dysfunctional family system, many golden children are still victims. They may enjoy the fleeting sense of favouritism but often carry a conscience, experiencing compassion and empathy for the scapegoated sibling. Some golden children recognize the moral and emotional harm unfolding within the family but feel powerless to intervene. Much like school bystanders who witness bullying, not all golden children approve of the scapegoat’s mistreatment, though they may not know how to help. In short, favouritism alone does not create narcissists. While it can harm non-favoured siblings and foster rivalry, it does not carry the power to produce narcissistic pathology on its own.
A Note on Deviant Behaviours:
Both sociologists and psychologists agree that deviant behaviours in adulthood are often evident in childhood. For example, sociopathic serial killers frequently exhibited a childhood fascination with death and cruelty, such as torturing animals. Similarly, when examining the childhoods of adult narcissists, patterns of behaviour emerge that foreshadow their adult pathology.
The child who becomes the narcissistic parent’s second-in-command suffers from significant moral and character deficits, which manifest as behaviours that cause suffering to others. These behaviours reflect the same traits seen in the narcissistic parent, scaled to a child’s capabilities. While not every child displaying these traits will grow into a narcissist, these behaviours are frequently visible in adult narcissists when reflecting on their childhoods.
Core Indicator: A Lack of Empathy
The defining feature of narcissism is a profound lack of empathy for others. This absence of empathy is the cornerstone of narcissistic behaviour and can often be observed consistently throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
Common Childhood Behaviours of a Narcissistic “Second-in-Command”:
- Disregard for others’ rights, feelings, and experiences (siblings, classmates, etc.).
- Insistence on being first and taking the most, while offering others only scraps or leftovers.
- Blaming others for their mistakes or misdeeds.
- Enjoying others’ misfortune, particularly when someone gets into trouble.
- Demanding from others what they would never offer themselves.
- Holding an unrealistic sense of entitlement, expecting something for nothing (e.g., grades, rewards, attention).
- Showing concern only for whether they’ll get into trouble, not for the sadness or pain they’ve caused.
- Lack of remorse for hurtful behaviour and only apologizing when forced by adults.
- Failing to nurture or care for younger siblings, often viewing siblings, friends, and even pets as competitors for attention, resources, and status.
- Habitually lying, twisting the truth, and fabricating stories to suit their own purposes.
- Taking on leadership roles in “mean girl” cliques or bullyish behaviours in school, often humiliating others to gain popularity.
- Engaging in theft, either through omission or outright stealing.
- Playing the victim to manipulate adults and shift blame onto others.
Unfortunately, these behaviours often continue into adulthood, where the individual may rise to positions of authority, such as managers or workplace leaders, where their destructive patterns can impact broader systems.
A “Perfect Cocktail” for Narcissism
The traits listed above alone are not enough to predict narcissism in adulthood. What enables these characteristics to evolve into full-blown narcissistic pathology is empowerment by a narcissistic parent. When a child exhibiting these tendencies is consistently empowered, rewarded, and encouraged to mirror the parent’s behaviours, the conditions are set for narcissism to flourish. This combination—inherent character deficits and reinforcement by a toxic adult—creates a tragic (not magic) formula for a future narcissist.
Suffering Sheds Light
During the Holocaust, some Jewish prisoners in Nazi concentration camps were appointed to positions of authority over their peers, tasked with keeping others in line. In exchange, they received small rewards—extra food, minor privileges, or relative freedoms that others were denied. This arrangement stands as an extreme example of manipulation, bullying, and cruelty.
However, not all individuals in these roles responded in the same way. Some, driven by their inherent empathy and moral character, only appeared harsh when Nazis were watching. Once the guards were gone, they ensured their fellow prisoners were spared further suffering. Others, however, embraced their newfound power and took on the ruthless persona of their oppressors, relishing their ability to dominate and punish. The Nazis were deliberate and strategic in selecting individuals for these roles, but even they could not always discern between those acting ruthless for survival and those who were, in fact, ruthless by nature. As the saying goes, “You will know them by their fruits.” Over time, the truth of a person’s character becomes evident to those who remain observant.
This historical example mirrors the dynamics within dysfunctional families, particularly when a narcissistic parent empowers a child who lacks empathy. In such families, this child is elevated to a position of control and power, with devastating consequences for the family scapegoat. An empathy-deficient child, when emboldened by a narcissistic parent, does not exercise restraint or compassion. Instead, their self-serving and harmful behaviours escalate, unchecked by an internal moral compass.
The question, then, is when we can determine whether an empathy-deficient child will develop into a full-blown narcissist. The critical period often occurs after they leave the family of origin and before they establish a family of their own. This is the point where accountability comes into play. At this juncture, the child faces a choice: to continue walking the toxic, self-serving path encouraged by the narcissistic parent or to break free and pursue a healthier, more loving way of being.
The clearest indicator of a child fully becoming a narcissist is their continued punishment of the family scapegoat into adulthood. If they persist in targeting and blaming the scapegoat long after leaving the family home, it is a strong sign that they have embraced their role as a “senior narcissist.” Tragically, if this pattern holds, the cycle of dysfunction will repeat itself in the next generation, leaving their own children to suffer under the same toxic legacy.
The hope lies in recognizing the dynamics early and breaking the cycle. Time, accountability, and choices reveal the truth of a person’s character, offering the possibility—however slim—that even those raised within toxic systems can choose a different path.
Is Health Possible for Narcissists?
Read the third installment in the series on family bullying “Moving from Scapegoat to the Champion of Your Own Life.” Click Here
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For further reading on Sibling Abuse check out the following 3 part series. Click Here
