When the Mean Girls Grow Up: Workplace Bullying in Education

There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes from being bullied in a profession devoted to children, belonging and inclusion.

Perhaps you have experienced it. You walk into the staff room and conversations change. People who once spoke freely around you become guarded. You discover that conversations about you have been taking place without you. You stop being included. Information everyone else seems to have somehow does not reach you. Your ideas are dismissed, but occasionally resurface later through someone else. Your accomplishments receive little attention while your mistakes suddenly seem remarkably important.

Nothing is quite serious enough to point to as the incident. That is often the problem.

There may be no shouting, threats or obvious confrontation. Instead, there can be dozens of smaller experiences: exclusion, gossip, humiliation, withholding information, fault-finding, questioning competence, alliances, favouritism, reputational damage or interference with someone’s ability to do her job. Researchers use terms such as workplace bullying, relational aggression, workplace incivility, ostracism, social undermining and social exclusion to describe different aspects of these behaviours.

Eventually, something begins happening inside the person being targeted. She starts wondering whether the problem is actually her.

“Mean girl” is not a psychological diagnosis, and relational aggression is certainly not exclusively female. Men and women can exclude, manipulate, intimidate, gossip, undermine and bully. There is also insufficient evidence to claim that education attracts a disproportionate number of women who behaved this way during adolescence.

Yet the phrase resonates with many women because they recognize a particular form of aggression that does not depend upon physical intimidation. It operates through relationships. It determines who belongs, who is invited, who receives information, who is trusted, who has access to influential people, who becomes the subject of conversation and who gradually finds herself outside the circle.

Crothers, Lipinski and Minutolo (2009) examined female workplace bullying through the lens of relational aggression, including behaviours involving cliques, rumours and gossip. The behaviour may look more sophisticated in adulthood than it did in junior high, but some of the social mechanisms can be remarkably familiar.

The lunchroom has simply become the staff room.

We Bring Our Relational Histories to Work

Adults do not arrive in workplaces without histories.

Long before we become teachers, principals, superintendents, secretaries, educational assistants or counsellors, we learn about relationships somewhere else. For most people, the family is the first place where we learn what happens when people disagree, whether love is secure or conditional, whether mistakes are tolerated, how anger is expressed, whether people apologize and whether vulnerability is safe.

We also learn something about power. We learn whether conflict is discussed directly or managed through silence, alliances and triangulation. We learn whether one family member becomes the problem whenever the family is under strain. We learn whether people speak to one another or about one another. We learn whether affection can be withdrawn as punishment. We learn whether belonging is secure or something that can be taken away.

Children do not simply forget these relational templates when they become adults.

Developmental research, social learning theory and the broader family-relations literature all give us reason to consider how early relational patterns can influence later interpersonal functioning. This does not mean every workplace bully came from a dysfunctional family, and it certainly does not mean a difficult childhood creates a bully. Many people emerge from profoundly unhealthy families and become highly compassionate, self-aware adults.

Human development is not that deterministic.

But patterns can travel.

A child who grows up learning that conflict is handled through triangulation may continue triangulating as an adult. Someone who learned that alliances provide safety may become exceptionally invested in alliances at work. Someone raised in a family where one person was routinely blamed may become comfortable participating in scapegoating. A person who learned that vulnerability is dangerous may respond to criticism by attacking or discrediting the person who raised the concern.

Likewise, someone whose sense of worth became organized around comparison may experience another person’s success not simply as good news for that person, but as a threat to herself.

Our families of origin do not determine our destinies, but unless we examine what we learned there, we can carry old relational strategies into new rooms.

Sometimes the new room is a school.

Competition, Status and the Need to Belong

Education is built upon collaboration, at least in principle. Good teachers share resources, mentor younger colleagues, exchange ideas, solve problems together and celebrate one another’s successes.

Schools, however, are also human organizations, and human organizations contain status.

There are desirable assignments, leadership opportunities, preferred committees, public recognition and different levels of access to decision-makers. Some teachers are especially well-liked by parents or students. Some are seen as innovative. Some receive praise from administration. Some become department heads or move into leadership more quickly.

Professional ambition is not inherently unhealthy, and neither is competition. Excellence should be recognized.

The problem begins when another person’s success is experienced as one’s own diminishment.

Collaboration can quietly become comparison. Admiration can become envy. A gifted new teacher can be experienced as a threat. A colleague who is particularly well-liked by parents can become irritating rather than impressive. A teacher who challenges established practice can be labelled difficult. Someone receiving recognition can suddenly need to be “taken down a notch.”

In unhealthy workplaces, relationships themselves can become professional currency. Proximity to leadership matters. Seniority matters. Popularity matters. Access matters. Information matters.

And informal power can sometimes be every bit as consequential as the title printed on someone’s office door.

This is where an important distinction needs to be made. The person doing the bullying is not necessarily socially awkward or obviously unpleasant. Sometimes the opposite is true.

A relationally aggressive person may be socially sophisticated. She may understand alliances exceptionally well. She may know exactly which relationships matter. She may be charming upward while behaving very differently laterally or downward. She may be attentive to reputation and skilled at cultivating the people who can advance or protect her.

This helps explain the bewildering question many targets eventually ask:

How does nobody else see this?

Perhaps because everyone else is not being treated the same way.

The administrator may know one version of the person. Parents may know another. Students may know another. Close allies may know another. The target may be experiencing behaviour that occurs only where the aggressor believes it is socially safe.

Professional competence and relational maturity are not the same thing. A person can be creative, intelligent, organized, charismatic, popular with students and admired by parents while simultaneously being deeply damaging in adult relationships.

That is one reason bullying can be so difficult for organizations to recognize.

When Fault-Finding Becomes a Weapon

One of the most corrosive features of workplace bullying is selective fault-finding.

Everyone makes mistakes. Healthy workplaces understand this. Problems are addressed proportionately, people learn, corrections are made and work continues.

But once someone has become a target, her mistakes can acquire a significance that other people’s mistakes do not.

A small oversight becomes evidence of carelessness. A disagreement becomes evidence that she is difficult. A question becomes evidence that she is resistant. A bad day becomes evidence of instability. An ordinary misunderstanding becomes part of a larger narrative about her character.

At the same time, something almost inverse may begin happening to her accomplishments.

They disappear.

The successful program receives little attention. The struggling student she helped is forgotten. The initiative she developed becomes something “the department” did. The parent who praises her is dismissed. Her years of strong evaluations somehow carry less weight than a recent criticism. An idea she introduces can be ignored and later celebrated when someone else presents something remarkably similar.

Sometimes her accomplishments are not merely overlooked but ridiculed.

She is “showing off.” She “thinks she’s better than everyone.” She is “trying too hard.” She “always has to be noticed.”

The target begins to discover that there is no safe way to succeed.

If she performs poorly, she is incompetent.

If she performs exceptionally well, she is arrogant.

If parents appreciate her, she is cultivating parents.

If students love her, she is trying to be popular.

If she receives recognition, she wants attention.

If she introduces something innovative, she thinks she is better than everyone else.

This creates a no-win relational system because failure confirms the negative narrative and success is reinterpreted so that it confirms the narrative too.

That is not constructive feedback.

Healthy criticism has a purpose. It is proportionate, specific, tied to performance and reasonably consistent across employees. The goal is improvement.

Fault-finding in a bullying dynamic is different because the target herself has become the problem.

The standard keeps moving.

She addresses one concern and another appears. She corrects that concern and something else suddenly becomes important. She works harder, becomes more careful and prepares more thoroughly, but she never quite arrives at the place where the scrutiny stops.

Sometimes the problem was never actually her work.

Scapegoating and the Creation of a “Problem Person”

Selective fault-finding often leads naturally into scapegoating.

A complicated workplace problem gradually becomes attached to one individual.

She is negative. She is difficult. She causes conflict. She does not collaborate. She cannot take feedback. She has an attitude. She is not a good fit.

Once this identity becomes established, almost anything the person does can be interpreted through it.

If she speaks up, she is confrontational. If she becomes quiet, she is disengaged. If she defends herself, she is defensive. If she becomes emotional, she is unstable. If she remains composed, she is cold. If she documents what is happening, she is obsessive. If she fails to document it, there is no evidence.

The target begins losing access to neutral interpretation.

Everything now means something.

And once several people begin repeating the same description, repetition itself can start sounding like proof.

One person says, “I’ve had concerns about her.”

Someone else replies, “Actually, now that you mention it, I’ve noticed something too.”

Soon the language becomes, “Several people have concerns.”

Eventually it becomes, “There have been longstanding concerns.”

But ten people repeating variations of one circulating narrative do not necessarily represent ten independent sources of evidence.

Sometimes it is one story travelling through ten people.

Healthy leadership knows the difference.

When Other People Join In

Popular culture sometimes calls the people recruited around a bully “flying monkeys.” It is not a scientific or diagnostic term, but many targets immediately understand what it describes: people who begin carrying, reinforcing or acting upon someone else’s negative narrative.

Not everyone who joins in is malicious.

Some genuinely believe the story they have been told. Some want the approval of the more powerful person. Some recognize where influence lies and choose the safer side. Some fear becoming the next target. Some simply want to belong.

Others may not actively mistreat the target at all. They withdraw.

They stop inviting. They stop defending. They stop correcting misinformation. They stop challenging comments they suspect are unfair.

And slowly, the original interpersonal conflict becomes a social environment.

This is one of the reasons ostracism can be so psychologically destructive. The target is no longer dealing only with one difficult person. She begins to feel as though she has lost the group.

For a person who has spent years believing she belonged to a staff community, that can be devastating.

Sabotage Rarely Looks Dramatic

The word sabotage sounds extreme, but workplace sabotage can be remarkably ordinary.

Someone does not receive information necessary to complete a task. A message is not passed along. Instructions are incomplete, but the resulting mistake becomes evidence of incompetence. The employee is excluded from planning and later criticized for being uninformed. Her idea is appropriated. Her mistake is amplified. Her accomplishment disappears. Questions about her competence begin circulating before she even enters the room. Sometimes her workload is massively increased making her late to arrive at fixed times. She is looked at as “tardy” or “disorganized.”

Recent scholarship on toxic teacher behaviour has identified gossiping and sabotaging colleagues among behaviours that can damage trust, professional respect and school culture.

This is why organizations get into trouble when they look only for one dramatic act.

Relational aggression often leaves a pattern rather than a smoking gun.

Sometimes the most effective sabotage is not making the target fail outright. It is creating conditions that make her job more difficult, then using the resulting struggle as evidence that the original criticism was justified.

When the Bully Gains Formal Power

This becomes even more consequential when someone skilled at social influence, alliances or intimidation acquires formal organizational power.

It would go beyond the evidence to claim that workplace bullies generally rise through educational leadership faster than everyone else. We do not have sufficient research to say that.

But organizational research gives us reason to examine what happens when manipulative or destructive interpersonal behaviour coexists with political skill, charisma or formal authority.

Once informal power becomes formal power, the tools available to exclude another person become much greater.

The person who once controlled the social group may now influence assignments, committees, opportunities, professional development, access to decision-makers, recommendations, evaluations and whose concerns receive attention.

She may influence whose accomplishments are noticed and whose mistakes matter.

And sometimes she may influence which version of events becomes the official one.

At that point, relational aggression stops looking like “mean girl behaviour.”

It can begin looking administrative.

When Administration Joins the Dynamic

This is where workplace bullying can become profoundly damaging.

A disagreement between two colleagues is one thing.

A colleague with organizational authority behind her is something else entirely.

Research on workplace bullying repeatedly identifies organizational context and leadership as important. Leadership can reduce aggression, ignore it, inadvertently reward it or sometimes participate in it.

Teacher-specific research is particularly revealing. Kollerová and colleagues (2023), studying 740 teachers, found workplace-bullying victimization was positively associated with teacher exhaustion. Social support, including leadership support, mattered.

I saw a version of this firsthand during my own years in education.

Interestingly, the employees involved were not teachers. They were two secretaries working in a junior-high-school setting.

One secretary persistently mistreated the other.

What stayed with me, however, was not simply the original bullying. It was watching the dynamic expand. Administration became involved, and what had begun as mistreatment between two employees acquired organizational power. I was in a meeting where where the Principal literally started making fun of the ostracized secretary, and mocking her to the group. This was only one example that I witnessed at this highly toxic workplace in a Junior High School.

That experience changed how I understood workplace bullying.

Sometimes the most damaging part is not the original aggressor.

It is what happens when the surrounding system begins participating in her interpretation of the target.

The person being mistreated is no longer simply navigating one difficult relationship. She may feel that she is now facing the organization itself.

And that changes everything.

The Slow Erosion of Self-Trust

Perhaps this is the part of workplace bullying that outsiders understand least.

People imagine that bullying hurts because someone is being mean to you.

It goes much deeper.

Sustained relational mistreatment can begin altering your relationship with yourself.

The target generally does not possess all of the information. Other people may know what is being said about her. She does not.

She simply notices that people are behaving differently. Someone stops talking to her. Another person becomes guarded. She is no longer included. An administrator who once seemed supportive suddenly appears suspicious.

She senses that something has changed, but she cannot locate its source.

So she searches herself for an explanation.

What did I do? Did I offend someone? Am I difficult? Maybe I am too sensitive. Why does everyone else seem to like her? Perhaps I really am the problem. Maybe I’m not as good at my job as I thought.

That is how self-doubt accumulates.

Not necessarily in one catastrophic moment.

Drop by drop.

Selective fault-finding accelerates this process. When someone repeatedly identifies your shortcomings while ignoring your strengths, eventually you may start doing the same thing to yourself.

You become your own fault-finder.

You notice the sentence in your email that could have been phrased better rather than the twenty things you accomplished that day. You remember the student you could not reach instead of the hundreds you helped. You become afraid of mistakes because mistakes no longer feel like ordinary mistakes.

They feel like evidence.

Eventually the target may stop asking only, “Why are they doing this?” and begin asking, “Can I even trust myself?”

Perhaps the colleague is delightful in front of everyone else. Perhaps the administrator insists there is no problem. Perhaps coworkers privately agree with you and then become silent when asked publicly. Perhaps the person mistreating you has many friends. Perhaps she is charismatic. Perhaps she is considered an excellent teacher. Perhaps she has been at the school for twenty-five years and you are new.

Perhaps several people are now repeating the same characterization of you.

Repetition begins to sound like confirmation.

This is where workplace bullying becomes psychologically destabilizing. The target appears to be surrounded by people experiencing a completely different reality.

The natural conclusion becomes:

Maybe their reality is the correct one.

The Emotional and Professional Cost

Workplace bullying can affect far more than job satisfaction.

Teacher-specific research associates bullying victimization with exhaustion. Broader workplace research links bullying and ostracism with psychological distress, burnout, poorer occupational well-being and deteriorating attitudes toward work.

The academic words can sound almost too tidy.

Exhaustion. Burnout. Strain.

The lived experience looks different.

It can mean waking at three in the morning replaying yesterday’s meeting. Your stomach drops when a particular name appears in your inbox. Sunday evening begins feeling different from Saturday evening. You rehearse conversations before entering the building. You reread a perfectly ordinary email five times before pressing send.

You stop volunteering ideas.

You eat lunch in your classroom.

You take the longer route down the hallway.

You become quieter.

You cry in the car.

You tell your spouse the same story repeatedly because you are still trying to understand what happened.

You begin dreading a profession you once loved.

And eventually you may begin believing something that would once have seemed impossible.

Maybe I am not a good teacher.

That belief can become especially powerful because teaching is not merely employment for many educators. It becomes part of identity.

You trained for it. You developed expertise. You remember former students. You stayed late. You spent your own money. You advocated for children. You learned from mistakes. You accumulated years of evidence that you were competent.

Then another person, or eventually a group, begins questioning not only what you did but who you are professionally.

A teacher with twenty years of successful experience can gradually begin wondering whether she somehow fooled everyone.

So she works harder.

She prepares excessively. She overexplains. She apologizes unnecessarily. She becomes hypervigilant about mistakes. She tries desperately to please people who have already decided not to be pleased.

And there is the trap.

If the problem were genuinely poor performance, improved performance might resolve it.

But if the function of the behaviour is social dominance, competition, exclusion, scapegoating or reputational harm, becoming even better at your job may change nothing.

Sometimes your competence was never the problem.

Why Targets Do Not Simply Leave

People sometimes ask why someone does not just leave.

Leaving can mean abandoning students you love, colleagues you value, seniority, benefits, a preferred assignment, years of accumulated professional relationships or the school where you expected to finish your career.

There is also something profoundly unjust about being driven away from something you love because another person behaved badly.

And by the time some people finally consider leaving, their confidence has been eroded so badly that they no longer believe another school would want them.

“Just leave” profoundly underestimates what prolonged workplace bullying can do.

The same is true of bystanders. Targets frequently ask why nobody says anything.

Because bystanders understand power too.

They want favourable assignments. They need positive references. They may hope for promotion. They want belonging. They do not want to become the next target.

Some privately acknowledge what is happening and then become silent publicly.

That silence may be understandable.

It is not neutral.

To the target, silence can feel like agreement.

To the aggressor, silence can feel like permission.

And to administration, silence can create the appearance that everything is fine.

And Then There Are the Students

There is another reason workplace bullying in schools should never be dismissed as staff drama.

Children inhabit the same relational system.

This does not mean a bullied teacher will mistreat students. Many exceptional educators continue caring beautifully for children while enduring terrible workplace environments.

But teachers do not leave their nervous systems in the staff room.

Chronic stress consumes emotional and cognitive resources. Teacher exhaustion matters. School climate matters. And children are exceptionally perceptive observers of adults.

They notice hierarchy. They notice contempt. They notice favourites. They notice who is afraid to speak. They notice whose mistakes are tolerated. They notice whether adults apologize. They notice whether kindness applies only to people we like.

Research involving students across 94 schools found less bullying victimization in schools with more favourable school climates.

That does not prove that adult workplace bullying directly causes student bullying.

It tells us something broader.

Culture matters.

Research also requires us to confront the uncomfortable possibility that relational aggression can move from adult relationships into teacher-student relationships.

Gusfre, Støen and Fandrem’s (2023) scoping review found teacher-to-student bullying documented internationally and identified potential consequences involving students’ mental and physical health, educational participation and later well-being.

A 2024 longitudinal study involving 1,299 adolescents found that students’ perceptions of teacher relational unfairness predicted greater subsequent reactive and proactive aggression and lower school satisfaction. Another 2024 investigation examining more than 106,000 high-school students found teacher bullying associated with elevated student risk behaviours, with students reporting both peer and teacher bullying showing particular concern.

We should not turn associations into simplistic claims of causation.

But neither should we look away.

The Irony Is Difficult to Ignore

Imagine a school holding an anti-bullying assembly in the morning.

Children are told not to exclude people, spread rumours, humiliate someone or use social power to hurt another person. They are told not to stand silently beside someone who does.

Then imagine those same adults attending a staff meeting that afternoon where one employee is systematically marginalized, ridiculed, fault-found or scapegoated and everyone remains silent.

What exactly did we teach that day?

Children learn from curriculum.

But they also learn from culture.

And culture may be the more powerful teacher.

If You Are the Person Being Bullied

If you recognize yourself in this article, stay close to observable behaviour.

You do not need to diagnose the aggressor as narcissistic, sociopathic or anything else in order to recognize mistreatment. In fact, trying to diagnose the person can sometimes distract you from the evidence that actually matters.

Document patterns.

“She hates me” is an interpretation.

“On October 4, every member of the department except me received the revised schedule, and I was subsequently criticized for following the previous schedule” is an observable event.

Keep appropriate communications. Record dates and witnesses. Separate what you know from what you suspect.

And document accomplishments too.

This is important.

When you have been subjected to chronic fault-finding, do not allow the aggressor to become the sole historian of your professional life.

Keep positive evaluations. Remember successful programs. Remember the students you helped. Remember the feedback that existed before the conflict. Remember colleagues who respected you. Remember your successful years. Remember what you know.

A socially powerful group can make its opinion feel like objective reality.

It is not.

Consensus and truth are not synonyms.

Seek reality-based support from people capable of believing workplace bullying exists while still helping you evaluate your situation accurately. Depending upon your circumstances, that may include your union or professional association, a trusted administrator, human-resources professional, physician, therapist, coach or employee-assistance program.

The goal is not simply to prove someone else wrong.

It is to prevent someone else’s behaviour from permanently rewriting how you understand yourself.

Because perhaps the meanest part of prolonged workplace bullying is what happens inside the target.

Eventually the external bully can acquire an internal voice.

Maybe I’m incompetent.

Maybe nobody likes me.

Maybe I create problems.

Maybe I’m too sensitive.

Maybe they’re right about me.

Maybe I should stop speaking.

Maybe I don’t belong here.

At that point, the aggressor no longer has to be in the room.

The target has begun carrying the message herself.

Recovery therefore can involve more than leaving an unhealthy environment or resolving a workplace complaint. It may mean rebuilding trust in your own perceptions, reclaiming professional confidence, learning to tolerate an ordinary mistake without experiencing it as proof of inadequacy, remembering your accomplishments without hearing someone else’s ridicule in your head and separating legitimate feedback from reputational distortion.

It means rediscovering the person you were before someone else began telling you who you were.

Maybe We Have Been Asking the Wrong Question

Do “mean girls” grow up and become teachers?

Some undoubtedly do.

So do former bullies who become nurses, lawyers, executives, counsellors, accountants, administrators and parents. Some adolescents who behaved terribly also grow into thoughtful and compassionate adults.

Current research does not demonstrate that education contains a disproportionate number of adult “mean girls.”

So we should not claim that it does.

But research gives us ample reason to ask a much more important question.

What happens when relational aggression enters a profession built upon relationships?

What happens when old relational patterns enter new workplaces? When competition replaces collaboration? When gossip becomes information? When alliances become power? When fault-finding becomes a weapon? When accomplishments are minimized and failures magnified? When one employee becomes the scapegoat? When subtle sabotage is difficult to prove? When other employees are recruited into the narrative? When informal influence becomes formal authority? When leadership joins the dynamic instead of interrupting it?

And what happens inside the teacher, secretary, educational assistant, counsellor or administrator who lives with this month after month?

Those questions matter.

They matter to the teacher eating lunch alone in her classroom because the staff room has become unbearable. They matter to the school secretary crying in her car before entering the building. They matter to the young teacher who has stopped contributing ideas. They matter to the experienced educator wondering how decades of confidence disappeared. They matter to administrators trying to understand why good employees keep leaving.

And ultimately they matter to children.

Because students spend thousands of hours watching adults demonstrate what power looks like. They watch how we treat people who disagree with us. They watch whether difference leads to curiosity or exclusion. They watch what happens when someone makes a mistake. They watch whether the powerful protect the vulnerable. They watch whether people repair relationships. They watch whether kindness extends to people we do not particularly like.

And they are learning.

Always.

Perhaps the most important anti-bullying initiative a school can undertake, therefore, does not begin with another poster directed at children.

Perhaps it begins when the adults become willing to examine themselves.

A healthy school cannot convincingly teach belonging to children while practising exclusion among adults.

If you are experiencing workplace bullying and find yourself increasingly unsure of how to respond, what to say, when to speak up or even whether you are seeing the situation clearly anymore, you do not have to navigate those decisions alone. Practical coaching can be particularly helpful in rebuilding assertiveness, strengthening boundaries and developing the discernment needed to separate legitimate workplace feedback from manipulation, scapegoating or relational aggression.

At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, George and Lesley work with individuals who need practical, grounded support while navigating difficult interpersonal and workplace relationships. Coaching can help you think through what is happening, identify patterns, communicate more assertively, determine where your influence actually lies and make thoughtful decisions about what to address, what to document, what boundaries may be needed and how to protect your confidence while moving forward.

If this article feels uncomfortably familiar, we invite you to reach out to George or Lesley at Waypoint. Sometimes having an experienced, objective person help you sort through the relational noise can make it much easier to see the situation clearly and decide what comes next.

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • For further reading check out, “Embracing Growth.” Click Here

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

 

References

Cao, W., Li, P., van der Wal, R. C., & Taris, T. W. (2023). Leadership and workplace aggression: A meta-analysis. Journal of Business Ethics, 186, 347–367.

Crothers, L. M., Lipinski, J., & Minutolo, M. C. (2009). Cliques, rumors, and gossip by the water cooler: Female bullying in the workplace. The Psychologist-Manager Journal, 12(2), 97–110. https://doi.org/10.1080/10887150902886423

Fahie, D., & Devine, D. (2014). The impact of workplace bullying on primary school teachers and principals. Scandinavian Journal of Educational Research, 58(2), 235–252. https://doi.org/10.1080/00313831.2012.725099

Gini, G., Angelini, F., & Pozzoli, T. (2024). Unfair teachers, unhappy students: Longitudinal associations of perceived teacher relational unfairness with adolescent peer aggression and school satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1321050. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1321050

Gusfre, K. S., Støen, J., & Fandrem, H. (2023). Bullying by teachers towards students: A scoping review. International Journal of Bullying Prevention, 5, 331–347. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42380-022-00131-z

Hultin, H., Ferrer-Wreder, L., Engström, K., Andersson, F., & Galanti, M. R. (2021). The importance of pedagogical and social school climate to bullying: A cross-sectional multilevel study of 94 Swedish schools. Journal of School Health, 91(2), 111–124. https://doi.org/10.1111/josh.12980

Kollerová, L., Květon, P., Zábrodská, K., & Janošová, P. (2023). Teacher exhaustion: The effects of disruptive student behaviors, victimization by workplace bullying, and social support from colleagues. Social Psychology of Education, 26, 885–902. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11218-023-09779-x

McMahon, S. D., Worrell, F. C., Reddy, L. A., Martinez, A., Espelage, D. L., Astor, R. A., Anderman, E. M., Valido, A., Perry, A. H., Dudek, C. M., & Bare, K. (2024). High school teacher bullying and student risk behavior. Journal of Adolescent Health, 75(3), 392–398. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2024.04.028

Nielsen, M. B., Einarsen, S. V., Parveen, S., & Rosander, M. (2024). Witnessing workplace bullying: A systematic review and meta-analysis of individual health and well-being outcomes. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 75, 101908.

Özer, G., & Escartín, J. (2023). The making and breaking of workplace bullying perpetration: A systematic review on the antecedents, moderators, mediators and outcomes of perpetration. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 69, 101823.

A Note About Terminology

“Mean girl” is used in this article as familiar cultural shorthand rather than as a psychological diagnosis. Relevant research constructs include relational aggression, workplace bullying, workplace incivility, ostracism, social undermining and social exclusion. People of any gender can engage in these behaviours.

The discussion of family-of-origin patterns should likewise not be interpreted to mean that a difficult childhood creates a workplace bully. Early experiences are one of many influences on adult interpersonal functioning, and people are capable of reflection, growth and profound change.

Current research also does not establish that relationally aggressive people disproportionately enter education or that workplace bullies generally advance through educational leadership more rapidly than other employees. What the evidence does support is serious examination of how personality, power, leadership, organizational culture, alliances, social undermining and workplace structures can permit bullying to develop and persist.

The Painful Freedom of Seeing Friendships Clearly

The Friendship Grief Nobody Talks About

There are certain losses in life that announce themselves clearly.

A death.

A divorce.

An estrangement.

A job loss.

A health crisis.

We recognize these experiences as losses because something tangible has ended. There is a before and an after. We understand why we are grieving.

The loss I want to talk about today is different.

It often arrives quietly. There is no dramatic event, no confrontation, and no obvious ending. The friendship may still exist. The people may still gather. The text messages may still arrive. On the surface, very little appears to have changed.

Yet something feels different.

Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that something has been revealed.

Many people reach a point in midlife where they begin looking at certain friendships through a different lens. What once felt comfortable begins to feel confusing. What once felt mutual begins to feel imbalanced. Questions begin surfacing that they never thought to ask before.

Was I experiencing this friendship differently than they were?

Did we value the relationship in the same way?

Was I investing in something deeper than what actually existed?

These are painful questions because they challenge more than the friendship itself. They challenge the story we have been telling ourselves about the friendship.

And that can be a profound source of grief.

Why It Often Takes So Long to See

One of the first questions people ask themselves when these realizations emerge is, “How did I miss this?”

I don’t believe most people miss it because they are naive. I think they miss it because they are healthy.

Healthy people tend to project their own values onto others. If you celebrate your friends’ successes, you assume they celebrate yours. If you are interested in their lives, you assume they are interested in yours. If you genuinely want good things for the people you care about, it rarely occurs to you that they may not feel the same level of enthusiasm about your growth, accomplishments, or happiness.

We often see people through the lens of our own character.

History also complicates matters. The longer a friendship exists, the easier it becomes to assume that length equals depth. Shared experiences create familiarity, and familiarity can feel remarkably similar to intimacy.

Yet history and intimacy are not the same thing.

A person can know your story without truly knowing your heart. They can share your history without sharing your values. They can be present in your life for decades without being genuinely invested in who you are becoming.

That is a difficult distinction to make because it requires us to evaluate a relationship based on its quality rather than its longevity.

The Difference Between Being Known and Being Needed

As I reflected on this topic, another question emerged.

How many of us have confused being needed with being known?

Many friendships develop around roles.

One person becomes the organizer.

Another becomes the listener.

Another becomes the caretaker.

Another becomes the entertainer.

Another becomes the one who always hosts.

Over time, these roles can become so familiar that we stop questioning them.

The friendship feels stable because everyone understands their place.

Yet there comes a moment when some people begin asking difficult questions.

What would happen if I stopped initiating?

What would happen if I stopped planning the gatherings?

What would happen if I stopped carrying the emotional weight of the relationship?

Would anyone notice?

Would anyone step forward?

Would the friendship continue?

These questions can feel uncomfortable because they force us to examine whether the relationship is being sustained by mutual investment or by one person’s effort.

The grief many people experience is not simply the realization that they have been doing more.

It is the realization that they may have been loved primarily for what they provided rather than appreciated for who they were.

That is a much deeper wound.

The Hidden Nature of Envy

In his work on human nature, Robert Greene writes about envy as one of the most concealed emotions people experience.

Few people openly acknowledge envy because it threatens the way they see themselves. Most individuals do not consciously think of themselves as jealous or resentful. As a result, envy often appears indirectly through indifference, criticism, dismissiveness, exclusion, or an inability to genuinely celebrate another person’s accomplishments.

What makes envy particularly difficult to recognize is that it often exists alongside affection.

Someone may genuinely like you while simultaneously struggling with comparison.

Someone may enjoy your company while feeling uncomfortable with your success.

Someone may care about you and yet find your growth unsettling because it reflects areas of their own life they have neglected.

Your healing becomes a mirror.

Your confidence becomes a mirror.

Your healthy marriage becomes a mirror.

Your willingness to take risks becomes a mirror.

And not everyone enjoys what that mirror reveals.

This does not make them bad people.

But it can make relationships more complicated than we once believed.

The Missing Ingredient in Many Friendships

One of the ideas that has influenced my thinking recently comes from Alison Wood Brooks, a Harvard researcher who studies conversation and connection. Her work suggests that meaningful relationships are built through curiosity. People who ask questions, follow up, remember details, and show genuine interest in another person’s experiences tend to build stronger and more satisfying relationships.

At first glance, this seems obvious.

Of course friends should be interested in one another.

Yet when we begin evaluating our relationships through this lens, the results can be surprisingly revealing.

Are they curious about your life?

Do they ask questions?

Do they remember things you have shared?

Are they interested in what you are learning, creating, struggling with, or becoming?

Or do conversations continually return to the same stories, the same complaints, and the same familiar patterns?

As I have reflected on this, I have come to believe that curiosity may be one of the clearest indicators of emotional generosity.

People who genuinely care about us remain interested in us.

Not because they need something.

Not because we are entertaining.

Not because we are useful.

But because they value who we are.

One of the most painful discoveries in adulthood is recognizing that some friendships contain very little curiosity. There may be affection. There may be history. There may even be loyalty. Yet there is very little interest in the other person’s growth.

The friendship survives, but it no longer evolves.

It becomes organized around habit rather than discovery.

The Freedom Hidden Within the Grief

As painful as these realizations can be, I have come to believe they contain an unexpected gift.

Clarity.

The purpose of seeing relationships clearly is not to become cynical. It is not to judge people harshly. It is not to keep score.

The purpose is discernment.

Discernment allows us to recognize the difference between relationships sustained by history and relationships sustained by mutual care. It allows us to distinguish between being useful and being valued, between being included and being known, between being tolerated and being celebrated.

Most importantly, it reminds us that belonging should never require self-abandonment.

Perhaps the deepest grief is not discovering that some friendships were less mutual than we believed. Perhaps the deepest grief is realizing how much energy we invested trying to earn something that healthy relationships offer freely.

Acceptance.

Respect.

Care.

Connection.

Yet hidden within that grief is hope.

Because once we begin seeing clearly, we can begin choosing differently.

We can stop carrying relationships that were never ours to carry alone. We can stop shrinking ourselves to make others comfortable. We can stop confusing longevity with depth and usefulness with love.

And we can begin creating space for friendships characterized by reciprocity, curiosity, emotional maturity, and shared values.

This article is the first in a two-part series. In Part Two, we will explore how to build meaningful friendships in adulthood, where to find people who share our values and interests, and how to recognize individuals who are willing to take responsibility for their side of the relationship. Because while it can be painful to discover that some friendships are not what we thought they were, it is equally hopeful to discover that healthy, life-giving friendships still exist.

If this article resonates with you, know that you are not alone. At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we regularly help clients navigate grief, boundaries, changing relationships, personal growth, and life transitions. Sometimes the beginning of healing is simply having a safe place to explore what you are seeing and feeling.

And sometimes what feels like the loss of a friendship is actually the beginning of a deeper understanding of yourself.

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • For further reading check out, “Finding Your People Part 2.” Click Here

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

Finding Your People: The Search for Meaningful Friendship in Midlife

Beyond Friendship Grief

In Part One of this series, we explored the grief that can emerge when we begin seeing certain friendships more clearly. We discussed the painful realization that some relationships may have been built more on history, convenience, or familiar roles than on genuine mutuality. We examined what happens when we discover that some people seemed more interested in our struggles than our growth and why these realizations can feel both painful and liberating.

The natural question that follows is this:

What now?

If some friendships no longer fit, how do we find relationships that do?

For many people, this question becomes increasingly important in midlife. While friendship may have seemed effortless in childhood and young adulthood, it often becomes more complicated as we age. Careers become demanding. Children grow up and leave home. Aging parents require care. Health concerns emerge. Retirement changes routines. People relocate. Social circles shrink.

Research consistently shows that friendships require time, repeated interaction, and emotional investment to develop. Yet these are often the very resources that become scarcer as life progresses.

The result is that many adults find themselves in an unexpected position. They know plenty of people, yet feel deeply disconnected. They attend social events, belong to organizations, and have full calendars, but still find themselves longing for richer, more meaningful relationships.

The issue is rarely a lack of contact.

The issue is often a lack of connection.

The Difference Between Company and Connection

One of the surprises of adulthood is discovering that loneliness and solitude are not the same thing.

Many people can spend an evening alone and feel perfectly content. Others can spend an evening surrounded by people and feel profoundly lonely.

Why?

Because loneliness is not simply the absence of people. It is often the absence of meaningful connection.

Meaningful connection occurs when we feel known. When we can bring our authentic selves into a relationship without feeling the need to perform, impress, entertain, or shrink ourselves. It occurs when another person is genuinely interested in our thoughts, values, experiences, hopes, fears, questions, and dreams.

As I have reflected on friendship over the years, I have become increasingly convinced that many people are not necessarily looking for more friends.

They are looking for deeper ones.

They are looking for people who are interested in more than passing the time. They are looking for people who are interested in sharing life.

The Different Levels of Conversation

One of the reasons some friendships feel energizing while others feel draining has to do with the nature of the conversations taking place within them.

Before exploring the different levels of conversation, it is important to recognize that no level is inherently good or bad. Each serves a purpose. In fact, emotionally healthy people understand that different relationships require different levels of intimacy.

There are many situations where talking about the weather, a recent movie, local events, sports, or weekend plans is entirely appropriate. We are not meant to share our deepest fears, beliefs, dreams, and personal experiences with everyone we meet. Healthy relationships develop gradually, and trust is built over time.

The goal is not to force every conversation toward vulnerability or depth.

The goal is to recognize that different conversations create different kinds of connection.

Some conversations help us establish comfort and familiarity. Others build trust. Others create understanding. And some allow us to feel deeply known.

As we move through midlife, many people discover that while they still appreciate all levels of conversation, they increasingly value relationships that occasionally venture into deeper waters. They long for conversations about experiences, ideas, meaning, faith, purpose, growth, and the lessons life has taught them.

Not because these conversations make them better than anyone else.

But because they often leave them feeling more connected, more understood, and more alive.

Level One: Talking About People

At the most surface level, people talk primarily about other people. Sometimes this takes the form of harmless discussion about family members, neighbours, coworkers, celebrities, or mutual acquaintances. Other times it drifts into gossip.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being interested in people. Human beings are social creatures, and relationships naturally involve discussing the people in our lives.

The challenge arises when this becomes the primary focus of the friendship.

When conversations consistently revolve around other people’s lives, very little genuine connection is being built between the people actually sitting together. We may learn a great deal about everyone else while learning very little about one another.

Level Two: Talking About Things and Events

The next level involves discussing things and events.

Travel plans.

Home renovations.

Shopping.

Sports.

Current events.

Politics.

Movies.

Books.

The weather.

The countless details of everyday life.

Researchers note that small talk serves an important purpose. It helps establish familiarity, comfort, and social trust. These conversations create the foundation upon which deeper relationships can eventually be built.

The difficulty is that many friendships never move beyond this level.

Eventually, people find themselves discussing the same topics, repeating the same stories, and leaving interactions feeling vaguely unsatisfied. There is activity and conversation, but not necessarily deeper connection.

Level Three: Talking About Experiences

The next level involves experiences.

This is where conversations begin to move beyond what happened and into what life has taught us.

What was it like to lose a parent?

How did you survive that divorce?

What did becoming a grandparent teach you?

How did your faith sustain you during that difficult season?

What have you learned about marriage, forgiveness, grief, resilience, or starting over?

These conversations build empathy because they allow us to understand another person’s lived experience.

We move beyond facts and begin exploring lessons, emotions, growth, and personal transformation.

At this level, friendships often deepen significantly because people begin revealing more of themselves.

Level Four: Talking About Ideas

Then we arrive at a level that many intellectually curious people find deeply satisfying.

Ideas.

Ideas about faith.

Ideas about psychology.

Ideas about relationships.

Ideas about leadership.

Ideas about books.

Ideas about purpose.

Ideas about culture.

Ideas about what it means to live well.

These conversations stimulate growth. They challenge us to think differently. They expose us to new perspectives. They encourage us to wrestle with important questions and consider possibilities we may not have previously explored.

For many people, this is where friendship becomes especially energizing.

Not because they are trying to prove how much they know.

Not because they think they are smarter than anyone else.

But because they are genuinely curious.

They enjoy learning.

They enjoy exploring.

They enjoy thinking.

Some of the most enriching friendships are built at this level because both people remain interested in discovering new ideas and expanding their understanding of themselves and the world around them.

These are often the conversations that linger long after they end.

Level Five: Talking About Meaning

Beyond ideas lies perhaps the deepest level of all.

Meaning.

These conversations touch the core questions of human existence.

Why are we here?

What gives life purpose?

How do we age well?

What does God want from us?

How do we forgive profound hurts?

What matters most in the second half of life?

What kind of legacy do we hope to leave?

What do we want our lives to stand for?

These conversations require trust, vulnerability, reflection, and emotional maturity. They invite us to share not only our thoughts but also our values, beliefs, fears, hopes, regrets, and deepest convictions.

In many ways, these conversations are where profound friendship is born.

Not because people agree on everything.

But because they are willing to explore life’s most important questions together.

Finding the Right Balance

The goal is not to eliminate Levels One and Two.

Every healthy relationship contains a mixture of all five levels. Even our closest friendships include conversations about weather, travel plans, grandchildren, community events, and everyday life.

The difference is that meaningful friendships are capable of moving beyond those topics when the opportunity arises.

They can discuss what happened, but they can also discuss what it meant.

They can talk about events, but they can also talk about ideas.

They can share information, but they can also share wisdom.

As we move through midlife, many of us discover that we are not necessarily looking for more people in our lives. We are looking for relationships that allow us to engage at multiple levels. We are looking for people with whom we can laugh, learn, reflect, question, grow, and occasionally wrestle with life’s biggest questions.

Because while all levels of conversation have value, it is often through conversations about experiences, ideas, and meaning that we feel most deeply known and connected.

The Power of Stimulating Conversation

One of the things I hear repeatedly from clients is not that they want more friends.

They want more stimulating conversations.

After years of discussing schedules, children, work, home projects, and daily logistics, many people find themselves hungry for deeper dialogue. They want to discuss a book that challenged their thinking. A sermon that made them reflect. A psychological insight that helped them understand themselves. A question about faith they are wrestling with. A dream they have not yet pursued. A lesson they learned through heartbreak.

They want conversations that engage both the mind and the heart.

This is not about intelligence.

It is about curiosity.

Alison Wood Brooks, a Harvard researcher who studies conversation and connection, has found that meaningful relationships are built through curiosity. People who ask thoughtful questions, follow up on previous conversations, remember details, and show genuine interest in another person’s thoughts and experiences tend to build stronger and more satisfying relationships.

In many ways, meaningful friendship is built one thoughtful question at a time.

The healthiest friendships are often not between people who have all the answers.

They are between people who remain curious.

Curious about life.

Curious about growth.

Curious about ideas.

Curious about faith.

Curious about each other.

Sifting: Making Room for Better Friendships

One of the lessons many people learn after experiencing disappointment in friendship is that building healthier relationships is not simply about adding new people to your life.

It is also about becoming more discerning about who receives your time, energy, trust, and emotional investment.

When we are younger, we often assume that anyone who is friendly has the potential to become a close friend. As we mature, we begin recognizing that friendship requires more than proximity, history, or shared activities.

It requires character.

It requires reciprocity.

It requires emotional maturity.

It requires goodwill.

In Part One, we explored how some friendships become strained when one person grows, heals, succeeds, or changes. While not everyone who struggles with another person’s growth is envious, emotionally healthy people generally celebrate the success of others.

One of the simplest ways to evaluate a friendship is to pay attention to how someone responds when something good happens in your life.

Do they celebrate with you?

Do they ask questions?

Do they seem genuinely interested?

Or do they minimize your accomplishment, change the subject, become critical, or appear oddly disengaged?

Healthy people do not need you to remain small in order to feel secure.

They do not require you to struggle so they can feel comfortable.

They may not share your goals or interests, but they are capable of being genuinely happy when good things happen to you.

Another important indicator is curiosity.

Do they ask questions about your life?

Do they remember things you have shared?

Do they follow up later?

Do they seem interested in your growth, your ideas, your experiences, and your hopes?

Pay attention to who is curious.

Pay attention to who remembers.

Pay attention to who asks.

Those small behaviors often reveal the difference between people who simply enjoy your company and people who genuinely value you.

It is also worth paying attention to reciprocity.

Do they ever initiate?

Do they ever invite?

Do they ever check in?

Do they ever contribute to the relationship?

Healthy friendships involve movement in both directions.

No relationship is perfectly balanced all the time, but over the course of years there should be evidence that both people are investing.

As we become more discerning, we stop asking, “Who likes me?”

And begin asking, “Who demonstrates the qualities necessary for genuine friendship?”

Finding People Who Are Still Growing

Perhaps the most important question is not, “Where do I find friends?”

Perhaps the better question is, “Where do I find people who are still growing?”

Growth-oriented people tend to gather in growth-oriented places.

Book clubs.

Faith communities.

Volunteer organizations.

Educational programs.

Discussion groups.

Professional associations.

Workshops.

Community organizations.

Classes.

Conferences.

The common denominator is not the activity itself.

It is the mindset.

People who continue learning, questioning, reading, serving, growing, and contributing often attract others who are doing the same.

This does not mean we need friends who agree with us about everything. Some of the richest friendships involve thoughtful disagreement.

What matters is curiosity.

A willingness to learn.

A willingness to listen.

A willingness to engage with life at a deeper level.

There Are Others Like You

One of the mistakes people sometimes make after experiencing disappointment in friendships is assuming that emotionally mature, growth-oriented people are rare.

They are not.

There are many people quietly looking for the same things you are.

People who enjoy meaningful conversations.

People who love learning.

People who are interested in faith, ideas, personal growth, and understanding themselves more deeply.

People who ask questions.

People who listen.

People who take responsibility for their own lives.

People who do not expect everyone else to carry their emotional burdens.

People who understand that healthy relationships require contribution, not just consumption.

People who recognize that friendship is not something we receive; it is something we help create.

The challenge is that these individuals are often not the loudest people in the room. They are frequently busy building meaningful lives of their own. They are raising families, serving their communities, volunteering, reading, learning, creating, and contributing. They may not always be easy to find because they are not sitting around waiting for life to happen to them.

Yet they exist.

And one of the gifts of midlife is that we become much better at recognizing them.

We begin noticing the people who ask thoughtful questions.

The people who follow up.

The people who remember.

The people who show genuine interest.

The people who celebrate another person’s success without feeling diminished by it.

The people who bring energy, curiosity, and generosity into a relationship rather than simply extracting it.

The people who pull their own weight.

The people who understand that meaningful connection requires effort from both sides.

When we stop investing so much energy in relationships that are one-sided, we create room for these healthier connections to emerge.

The Courage to Build Something New

One of the gifts of midlife is clarity.

We become less concerned with popularity and more concerned with compatibility.

Less interested in fitting in and more interested in belonging.

Less willing to settle for superficial connection and more willing to pursue authentic relationships.

The good news is that meaningful friendship is still possible.

In fact, some of the richest friendships of our lives are formed in the second half of life because we finally know what we value.

We know the conversations we want to have.

We know the qualities we admire.

We know the kind of people who bring out the best in us.

The goal is not simply to find people to spend time with.

The goal is to find your people.

People who help you think.

People who help you grow.

People who challenge you.

People who encourage you.

People who care about your faith, your questions, your hopes, your dreams, your heartbreaks, and your growth.

People who are willing to bring their minds, hearts, experiences, wisdom, and curiosity to the table.

Those people exist.

And they may be looking for you, too.

Because the healthiest friendships are not built merely on shared history.

They are built on shared growth.

And there is no age limit on finding those kinds of relationships.

If this article resonates with you, we would love to hear from you. What qualities do you value most in friendship today? What kinds of conversations leave you feeling energized, inspired, and connected?

At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we regularly help individuals navigate loneliness, changing relationships, life transitions, personal growth, and the challenge of building meaningful connection in adulthood. If this is an area where you feel stuck, know that you are not alone.

Sometimes the next chapter of your life begins with a single conversation.

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • For further reading check out, “Navigating Jealousy.” Click Here

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

The Real Reason You Struggle With Time Management

The Real Reason You Struggle With Time Management

You bought the planner.
You made the to-do lists.
You promised yourself this week would be different.

Yet somehow the day disappeared again.

Many people assume poor time management is caused by laziness, lack of discipline, or poor organization. But in reality, struggling with time management is often not about time at all.

More often, it is connected to emotional overwhelm, unclear priorities, burnout, distraction, people-pleasing, fear of failure, or simply trying to carry too much for too long.

In many cases, poor time management is actually unmanaged emotions, unmanaged thoughts, and unmanaged priorities.

The Hidden Root Causes of Poor Time Management

1. Lack of Clear Priorities

When everything feels important, nothing truly becomes important.

Many people spend their days reacting to emails, texts, notifications, social media, and other people’s needs while neglecting the things that would genuinely move their lives forward.

Being busy is not the same as being productive.

You can spend an entire day doing things without accomplishing what matters most.

Practical Advice:

At the beginning of each day:

  • Identify one major priority
  • Choose three secondary tasks
  • Let the smaller things fall underneath those priorities

Ask yourself:

  • What truly matters today?
  • What actually moves my life forward?
  • What am I doing simply because it feels urgent?

2. Emotional Avoidance

Sometimes procrastination is not laziness at all. It is avoidance.

People often delay tasks because they:

  • Fear failure
  • Fear criticism
  • Fear making mistakes
  • Feel emotionally overwhelmed
  • Struggle with perfectionism
  • Lack confidence

The task itself may not even be difficult. The emotional weight attached to the task is what feels overwhelming.

This is why someone can spend an hour scrolling social media while avoiding a five-minute phone call.

Practical Advice:

Break tasks into very small steps.

Instead of:

  • “Finish the project”

Start with:

  • “Open the document”
  • “Write one paragraph”
  • “Work for ten minutes”

Small action creates momentum, and momentum often reduces emotional resistance.

3. Chronic Overcommitment

Some people struggle with time management because they say yes too often.

They overhelp, overschedule, overvolunteer, and carry responsibilities that were never theirs to carry in the first place.

People who struggle with boundaries often end up living according to everyone else’s priorities instead of their own.

Practical Advice:

Pause before committing.

Instead of automatically saying yes, try:

  • “Let me check my schedule.”
  • “I’ll get back to you.”
  • “I can help, but not this week.”

Every yes costs time, energy, and attention.

4. Digital Distraction and Constant Stimulation

Modern life trains people to live distracted.

Phones, notifications, endless scrolling, videos, multitasking, and constant stimulation fragment our attention and reduce our ability to focus deeply.

Many people are not bad at time management. They are simply overstimulated.

Practical Advice:

  • Turn off unnecessary notifications
  • Put your phone in another room during focused work
  • Use focused work periods followed by short breaks
  • Stop starting your day on social media

How you begin your morning often shapes your mental focus for the rest of the day.

5. Burnout and Exhaustion

Sometimes poor time management is not a planning problem.

It is exhaustion.

Burned out people often struggle to:

  • Focus
  • Make decisions
  • Stay motivated
  • Follow through
  • Think clearly

A depleted nervous system cannot consistently function at high capacity.

Rest is not laziness. Rest is necessary maintenance.

Practical Advice:

  • Prioritize sleep
  • Build margin into your schedule
  • Reduce unnecessary commitments
  • Stop glorifying exhaustion

A constantly overloaded life eventually begins to break down emotionally, mentally, and physically.

6. Lack of Meaningful Direction

People manage time better when they feel connected to purpose.

When life feels aimless, motivation weakens. Tasks begin to feel meaningless, and procrastination increases.

Purpose creates energy.

People naturally invest more time and effort into what they deeply value.

Practical Advice:

Ask yourself:

  • What kind of life am I trying to build?
  • What matters most to me?
  • What relationships, responsibilities, or goals deserve my best energy?

When your actions connect to deeper meaning, time management becomes more natural.

Healthy Time Management Is Really Self-Management

At its core, healthy time management is not about squeezing more into your day.

It is about learning to govern yourself wisely.

That includes:

  • Emotional regulation
  • Clear priorities
  • Healthy boundaries
  • Focus
  • Rest
  • Self-awareness
  • Personal responsibility

Sometimes we blame lack of time when the real issue is fear, distraction, burnout, indecision, or emotional overload.

A Simple Framework to Improve Time Management

Simplify

Do fewer things better.

Prioritize

Focus on what matters most.

Schedule Important Tasks First

Do not leave meaningful work for leftover energy.

Protect Your Attention

Attention is one of your greatest assets.

Build Margin

A packed schedule leaves no room for life.

Stop Waiting to “Feel Like It”

Action often creates motivation, not the other way around.

Final Thoughts

We were never designed to live in constant chaos, hurry, emotional overload, and distraction.

A well-managed life is not necessarily the busiest life. It is the life that is lived intentionally.

If you find yourself constantly overwhelmed, procrastinating, emotionally exhausted, or struggling to manage responsibilities well, it may be time to look beneath the surface rather than simply trying another productivity system.

At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we help individuals and families address the deeper emotional, mental, and behavioural patterns that often contribute to overwhelm, burnout, unhealthy boundaries, and chronic stress.

If you feel stuck and would like support, we invite you to reach out. Sometimes meaningful change begins with understanding the root issue rather than continuing to blame yourself.

Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching
Location: Steinbach, Manitoba
In person and online coaching available worldwide via Zoom

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • For further reading check out, “Recovering From Rejection.” Click Here

You Are Not Responsible for Everyone’s Emotions: How Healthy Detachment Protects Your Mental Health and Restores Emotional Peace

You Are Not Responsible for Everyone’s Emotions

How Healthy Detachment Protects Your Mental Health and Restores Emotional Peace

There is a difference between caring deeply and carrying the emotional weight of everyone around you.

Many compassionate, conscientious people slowly become emotionally exhausted because they feel responsible for keeping everyone else happy, stable, calm, or emotionally regulated. They replay conversations in their minds, over-explain themselves, absorb tension in relationships, and feel guilty anytime someone is upset with them.

Over time, this emotional over-responsibility can quietly destroy peace, increase anxiety, and leave people mentally and physically drained.

This is where healthy detachment becomes essential.

Healthy detachment is not coldness. It is not selfishness. It is not abandoning people you love.

Healthy detachment is learning to care about others without carrying responsibility for their emotions, choices, reactions, or behavior.

For many people, this shift becomes one of the most important steps toward emotional healing and mental wellness.

Why So Many People Feel Responsible for Everyone Else

Many individuals were raised in environments where they learned to monitor other people’s emotions for survival, safety, approval, or acceptance.

Some grew up:

  • walking on eggshells
  • managing unstable family dynamics
  • soothing angry parents
  • trying to prevent conflict
  • becoming the “responsible one”
  • rescuing emotionally immature people

Others developed these patterns in adulthood through difficult marriages, toxic workplaces, manipulative relationships, or high-conflict family systems.

Over time, they begin to believe:

  • “If someone is upset, I must fix it.”
  • “If someone misunderstands me, I must explain more.”
  • “If someone is hurting, I must rescue them.”
  • “If someone is disappointed, I’ve done something wrong.”

This creates emotional exhaustion because no human being can successfully regulate the emotions of everyone around them.

What Healthy Detachment Actually Means

Healthy detachment means recognizing where your responsibility ends and another person’s responsibility begins.

It sounds like:

  • “I care about you, but I cannot manage your emotions for you.”
  • “I can love you without rescuing you.”
  • “I can remain calm even when you are upset.”
  • “I can allow people to experience consequences.”
  • “I do not need to lose myself trying to keep everyone happy.”

Healthy detachment allows people to stop emotionally drowning in situations they cannot control.

It creates emotional clarity, healthier boundaries, and greater mental peace.

Signs You May Need Healthy Detachment

Many people do not realize how emotionally entangled they have become until their mental health begins suffering.

You may need healthier emotional detachment if:

  • you constantly overthink conversations
  • you feel guilty saying no
  • other people’s moods control your mood
  • you absorb stress from everyone around you
  • you feel responsible for fixing conflict
  • you struggle to relax because you are anticipating problems
  • you over-explain yourself to avoid disapproval
  • you feel emotionally exhausted after interactions with certain people
  • you repeatedly sacrifice your own peace to keep others comfortable

These patterns often lead to anxiety, resentment, burnout, and emotional depletion.

Healthy Detachment Is Not the Same as Being Unloving

This is where many people struggle.

They fear that detachment means becoming uncaring, distant, or selfish.

But healthy detachment is actually a form of emotional maturity.

You can deeply love someone while recognizing:

  • you cannot control them
  • you cannot heal them
  • you cannot make decisions for them
  • you cannot force insight or accountability
  • you cannot prevent every consequence in their life

Trying to do these things usually creates emotional chaos, not closeness.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is allow another person to carry the weight of their own choices.

When Healthy Detachment Becomes Necessary

Healthy detachment becomes especially important when:

  • someone repeatedly refuses responsibility
  • a relationship becomes emotionally draining
  • guilt is used to manipulate you
  • you are constantly trying to “fix” someone
  • conflict cycles never improve
  • you are losing your mental peace trying to manage another person’s reactions
  • your emotional health is deteriorating from over-involvement

Detachment helps people stop confusing love with emotional self-sacrifice.

How to Practice Healthy Detachment

1. Stop Trying to Control Other People’s Opinions

One of the greatest emotional burdens people carry is trying to control how others perceive them.

The truth is:

  • some people will misunderstand you
  • some people will project onto you
  • some people will criticize you unfairly
  • some people may never validate your intentions

Healthy detachment means learning to tolerate this reality without emotionally collapsing.

2. Let People Experience Their Own Emotions

Discomfort is not an emergency.

People are allowed to:

  • feel disappointed
  • feel frustrated
  • disagree with you
  • make mistakes
  • struggle
  • learn through consequences

You do not need to rescue everyone from emotional discomfort.

3. Stop Over-Explaining Yourself

Over-explaining is often an attempt to manage someone else’s perception or prevent their disappointment.

Emotionally healthy people communicate clearly, but they do not endlessly defend themselves in hopes of controlling another person’s response.

Sometimes a calm, simple answer is enough.

4. Protect Your Nervous System

Your body keeps score of chronic emotional stress.

Healthy detachment may involve:

  • limiting exposure to toxic dynamics
  • reducing emotionally draining conversations
  • creating stronger boundaries
  • taking breaks from conflict
  • prioritizing rest and emotional recovery
  • learning to stay grounded instead of reactive

Peace is not selfish.
It is necessary.

5. Strengthen Your Own Identity

People who become emotionally consumed by others often lose connection with themselves.

It is important to reconnect with:

  • your faith
  • your goals
  • your physical health
  • your interests
  • emotionally safe relationships
  • your purpose and values

Your life cannot revolve entirely around managing everyone else.

Healthy Detachment and Faith

Many people fear boundaries because they think love requires endless emotional sacrifice.

Yet even Jesus demonstrated healthy boundaries.

He did not chase everyone.
He did not force people to change.
He often withdrew from crowds to rest and pray.
He allowed people to walk away.

Biblical love includes compassion, wisdom, truth, and discernment.

Sometimes loving wisely means stepping back emotionally rather than becoming consumed by another person’s dysfunction or instability.

Final Thoughts

Healthy detachment is not about loving less.

It is about loving wisely while protecting your mental and emotional health.

It is learning that you can be compassionate without becoming emotionally consumed.
It is understanding that you are responsible for your choices, your behavior, and your healing — not for controlling the emotions of everyone around you.

When people finally stop carrying emotional burdens that were never theirs to carry, they often discover something they have not felt in a very long time:

peace.

At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, we help individuals and families develop healthier emotional boundaries, stronger self-awareness, and practical tools for navigating difficult relationships while protecting mental wellness and emotional peace.

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • For further reading check out, “Embracing Growth.” Click Here

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

Why You Feel So Drained in Your Relationship (And Why You’re Carrying So Much)

Why am I so tired all the time?
Why does everything seem to fall on me?
Why do I feel like I’m holding everything together?

These are not small questions.

They are often the quiet signals of a woman who has been carrying far more than she was ever meant to carry.

And for many women, this doesn’t feel like dysfunction.

It feels like love.
It feels like responsibility.
It feels like being “the strong one.”

But over time, it becomes something else.


When You Become the One Who Holds Everything Together

There is a pattern that develops in many relationships—subtle at first, almost invisible.

You step in a little more.
You take care of a little more.
You anticipate, manage, smooth over, and hold steady.

At first, it feels right.

But slowly, without anyone naming it, you become the one who:

  • keeps things from falling apart
  • absorbs the stress
  • ensures everyone else is okay

And somewhere along the way, your role shifts.

You are no longer simply a partner.

You become the stabilizer of everything.


The Lighthouse Lie

Many women have been quietly conditioned to believe they are meant to be like a lighthouse in life.

Standing strong.
Enduring every storm.
Guiding everyone else safely to shore.

Always steady.
Always giving.
Always there.

But here is the truth:

You were never meant to be the lighthouse for everyone else’s life.

A lighthouse stands still.
It does not move.
It does not grow.
It simply endures whatever comes.

And over time, that kind of existence is not strength.

It is a life paused for the sake of everyone else.


You Were Not Meant to Stand Still

This is the part many women feel—but rarely say out loud.

You were not designed to stand in one place, holding everything together while life moves around you.

You were meant to:

  • grow
  • experience life
  • move forward
  • be present in your own story—not just supporting everyone else’s

A healthy family is not built on one person standing still so others can move.

It is built on people growing together.

And when a woman becomes the one who holds everything in place, something begins to quietly disappear:

Her own expansion.
Her own experience of life.


How This Pattern Begins

Most women who carry too much are not weak.

They are:

  • capable
  • thoughtful
  • loyal
  • deeply committed to doing what is right

But when these strengths meet a partner who is less developed in responsibility—or accustomed to being taken care of—the balance shifts.

Many men were raised in homes where their mothers:

  • handled everything behind the scenes
  • absorbed emotional strain
  • kept life running smoothly

Without realizing it, they learned:

Someone else will take care of things.

And often, they come to value a kind of stability where everything is handled for them—where life feels secure because someone else is carrying the weight.

But that kind of stability comes at a cost.

Because a woman is not designed to be the structure that holds everything in place.

She is designed to live, grow, and move forward alongside her family.


The Cost of Being “The Strong One”

If this is your pattern, you may feel:

  • tired in a way that rest doesn’t fix
  • responsible for everything going right
  • unseen or unconsidered
  • quietly resentful, but unsure if you should be

And perhaps most painfully:

You are not being cared for in the way you care for others.

This isn’t just exhaustion.

It’s the result of living in a role that requires you to stay fixed while everything else depends on you.


A Grounded Truth About Responsibility

In a healthy relationship, responsibility is shared.

In many faith traditions, a man is called to take responsibility for the well-being of his family—not as control, but as active, steady provision and leadership through action.

A woman may contribute—and many do in meaningful ways.

But she was never meant to carry the primary burden of:

  • holding everything together
  • compensating for lack
  • ensuring stability on her own

When she does, the relationship loses something essential.

Not just balance.

Movement. Growth. Life.


Why It’s So Hard to Change

This pattern often continues because:

  • it is praised as strength
  • it keeps things functioning
  • it aligns with a woman’s values of care and commitment

But over time, the cost becomes too great.

Until one day, there is a quiet realization:

“I have been standing still so everything else could keep moving.”


You Were Meant to Live, Too

There is nothing wrong with being strong.

There is nothing wrong with being capable.

But strength was never meant to come at the cost of your own life unfolding.

You were not created to stand in the storm, unmoving, while guiding everyone else.

You were meant to:

  • walk forward
  • grow alongside your family
  • experience life—not just manage it

What Healthy Partnership Actually Looks Like

A healthy relationship is not built on one person becoming the foundation for everything.

It is built on:

  • shared responsibility
  • mutual care
  • both people contributing to stability and growth

Not perfectly.

But consistently.


Final Thought

There is a difference between being a strong woman…

…and being a woman who has learned to stand still so everything else can work.

One leads to life.

The other leads to quiet depletion.

And recognizing that difference may be the beginning of something new:

A relationship where you are not the lighthouse—

but someone who is walking, growing, and fully living alongside the people you love.

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • For further reading check out, “Embracing Growth.” Click Here

 

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

 

Friendship Erosion: Learning to Discern Safe Relationships

When a Friendship Is Rekindled

After relocating Candace rekindled a friendship with a former friend Rhonda. The reconnection felt easy. There was shared history, goodwill, and a sense of familiarity. The couples spent time together and were, at least initially, supportive of one another.

Both women were navigating professional transitions. Candace was building a wedding apparel business. Rhonda had entered real estate. At first, there appeared to be mutual encouragement and shared momentum.

From early on, however, Candace noticed that Rhonda showed intense interest in her home, her appearance, her clothing, her weight, and her lifestyle. Compliments were frequent, but they often carried an evaluative quality. Conversations returned again and again to material possessions, money, and visible markers of success.

At the time, Candace interpreted this as enthusiasm or admiration. In hindsight, it was an early signal of comparison-based relating.


The Gradual Shift Toward Comparison and Ideology

As the friendship continued, Rhonda became increasingly immersed in prosperity-focused religious teaching. Faith language around money intensified. Financial gain was framed not as something to steward carefully, but as something promised to those who “planted seeds” of faith by giving money.

Rhonda began making major life decisions based on anticipated financial windfalls rather than grounded planning. She and her husband sold their home to pay off debt, then spent heavily on vehicles, furniture, and lifestyle, believing future prosperity was assured.

Conversations increasingly revolved around money. There was little curiosity about Candace’s inner life, work, or meaning-making. The relational focus narrowed.

Nothing in isolation seemed overtly alarming.
But Candace began to feel subtly unsettled.

This is often how friendship erosion begins — not with offence, but with loss of shared orientation.


When Boundaries Clarify the Dynamic

The relational dynamic sharpened when Candace and her husband decided to sell their home.

Rhonda assumed she would act as their real estate agent. Candace declined, explaining that they do not mix business and friendship, having learned through experience that doing so can damage relationships. The boundary was calm, respectful, and reasonable.

Although Rhonda verbally accepted the decision, it was not emotionally integrated.

Shortly afterward, Rhonda listed a home just a few doors down the street. She never acknowledged this relationally. There was no, “I have a listing on your street, let’s grab coffee.” Instead, Rhonda began contacting Candace repeatedly asking about buyers, offers, showings, and traffic.

The tone did not feel supportive. It felt monitoring.

Candace sensed that her own home sale had become a reference point for Rhonda’s self-worth and professional standing. What had once felt mutual now felt quietly comparative.


Escalation: Anger, Grievance, and Authority Posturing

When Rhonda’s listing sat on the market , widely criticized as significantly overpriced, and was eventually transferred to another agent, her demeanour shifted noticeably. She appeared angry, preoccupied, and increasingly grievance-focused.

In later interactions, Rhonda expressed resentment about losing the listing, about being forced to move from a rental property, and about others “not listening” to her expertise. At one point, she repeated back an insult she claimed others had made about Candace’s home, doing so with visible satisfaction.

This marked a shift from comparison to hostility masked as truth-telling.

At the same time, Rhonda and her husband often positioned themselves as authorities on a wide range of topics, including conspiracy theories and controversial claims, despite lacking grounding or evidence. Candace and her husband, both educators and business owners with advanced education, responded politely rather than confrontationally, which allowed the imbalance to persist longer than it should have.

Another erosion marker appeared here: authority without mutual respect.


The Rings Incident: A Crystallizing Moment, Not the Whole Story

One conversation over coffee clarified what had already been forming.

Rhonda spoke at length about prosperity theology, referencing a well-known televangelist and the belief that giving money as a “seed of faith” guarantees financial return from God. Candace responded thoughtfully but honestly, stating that based on what she had read, she believed the preacher to be a charlatan and that God is not an ATM.

At that moment, the interaction escalated.

Rhonda reached across the table, grabbed Candace’s hands, held onto her rings, and said angrily,
“Then sell your rings. Why are you allowed to have these rings?”

This moment mattered not because of jewelry, but because it revealed what had been building beneath the surface.

Belief turned into accusation.
Difference turned into entitlement.
Discomfort turned into anger.

Rhonda became visibly angry and emotionally withdrawn. There was no curiosity, no dialogue, and no repair.

The rings incident did not create the erosion.
It exposed it.


The Psychology of Friendship Erosion

Seen together, the pattern becomes clear.

This was not immaturity alone. It was not a single disagreement. It was a convergence of dynamics that make friendships unsustainable:

  • Comparison-based identity, where self-worth is tethered to money, status, or perceived success

  • Moralized envy, where resentment is framed as righteousness

  • Entitlement, expressed through assumed access, monitoring, and physical boundary violations

  • Fragile emotional regulation, where unmet expectations lead to anger or withdrawal

  • Lack of repair, where conflict is not processed but punished through disconnection

  • Authority posturing without grounding, which erodes mutual respect

Perhaps most telling was Rhonda’s later statement that she wanted to hurt Candace. That admission clarified what Candace had been sensing all along: the relationship no longer contained emotional safety.


Early Warning Signs Readers Can Learn From

Friendship erosion often announces itself quietly. Watch for patterns such as:

  • Persistent comparison around money, appearance, age, or status

  • Compliments that feel evaluative rather than appreciative

  • Faith or ideology used to justify resentment or entitlement

  • Anger or withdrawal when boundaries are set

  • Curiosity that feels like tracking rather than care

  • Authority claims without humility or evidence

  • Absence of repair after conflict

  • A growing sense of confusion, vigilance, or emotional unease

These signs are cumulative. One alone may be tolerable. Together, they signal erosion.


Letting People In With Care, Not Fear

Experiences like this often lead to recalibration.

Not toward isolation.
But toward discernment.

The goal is not fewer friendships.
The goal is safer, more compatible friendships.

Healthy relationships allow difference without punishment, boundaries without retaliation, and disagreement without withdrawal.


A Final Reflection

Discernment does not harden the heart.
It protects it.

Learning to pace relational access allows trust to grow organically and prevents intimacy from becoming a site of comparison, control, or resentment.

This is not about becoming guarded.
It is about becoming wise.


Reflection Questions

  1. Where have you noticed friendship erosion show up gradually rather than suddenly?

  2. How do people in your life respond when you set reasonable boundaries?

  3. Are there relationships where comparison quietly undermines mutuality?

  4. Do you feel free to disagree without being punished emotionally?

  5. What early signals might you choose to honour sooner in future relationships?

To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here

For further reading check out, “Embracing Growth.” Click Here

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

When Your Husband Won’t Pull His Weight: Wife or Pack Mule?

Growing up among powerful, exhausted women

When I think about the word “strong woman,” I still picture my mother standing by the door in the dark winter mornings of Manitoba, shrugging into her heavy coat.

Winters here can be brutal. The kind of cold that takes your breath away and freezes your eyelashes. Yet morning after morning, she bundled herself up, smoothed her hair, picked up her purse, and walked eight blocks through the frozen prairie to her job as a secretary, what we now call an administrative assistant.

My grandmother lived with us and watched over us while my mother worked. As a young divorcee, my mom did not have much choice. She bought her own little house and did what she could to make ends meet. There was no safety net. No second income. No partner sharing the weight.

Just grit and the determination to be responsible for her children.

My friends’ homes looked very similar. The women in our neighbourhood were working outside the home throughout the 1970s, but not because anyone was cheering them on with cute “girl boss” slogans. They were working because the men in their lives often could not, or would not, carry their share.

Some of the men were alcoholics. Some were chronically unemployed. Some grossly under-employed. Some were physically present but emotionally absent. Others seemed to want a mother rather than a partner, someone to cook for them, manage the house, soothe their moods, and quietly carry the finances while they dabbled with hobbies or worked just enough to qualify for the dole.

This was the working poor. Broken marriages. Men who were defeated, addicted, or plain lazy.
And in the middle of all of this, stood the women, carrying it all.

As a young girl, I watched my mother trudge through the snow, head down, determined. I did not have the language for it back then, but what I saw was this:

Women were powerful, yes, but they were also being used like pack mules.
They carried the weight of the home, the full emotional responsibility of the children, and, in many cases, the weight of the men.

And all of this got quietly written into my understanding of what it meant to be a woman.


The “liberation” that doubled the load

At the same time, the women’s liberation movement was rising. Women were fighting for equal pay for equal work, for access to education, for a say in their own financial future. This was, and is, a fair, realistic, and deeply just cause.

But something complicated happened on the ground in neighbourhoods like mine.

The story that landed in many of our homes went something like this:

  • A good woman earns her own money and shares all of it with the men in their lives.

  • A good woman is not a burden to anyone so don’t draw attention to how much you do, always accentuate whatever the man in your life is doing.

  • A good woman is the sole caretaker of her children.

  • A good woman keeps the food train coming, so no matter what —breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks are her responsibility for the rest of her life.

  • A good woman does not complain otherwise she is a nag.

  • A man’s ego is fragile so try not to say or do anything to negatively impact it. The male ego trumps character.

So we ended up with a strange hybrid:

Women were told, “You can do anything,” but what many of us heard in practice was, “You must now do everything.”

Liberation gave opportunity, and that was good.
But the expectations did not shift around us. Men were not necessarily being called into the same level of emotional labour, household responsibility, or relational maturity. In many families, they kept their hobbies, their leisure, their entitlement to rest.

The women picked up a career.
The men kept their boat.


The script I married into

Like many girls in my neighbourhood, I married young and started having children early. I carried into my marriage a deep conditioning: it was my job to take care of everyone and everything.

I believed that:

  • A man needs his hobbies.

  • My job was to cook, do laundry, and take care of all aspects of the children’s lives.

  • I was to plan birthdays, holidays, vacations, and family gatherings.

  • I would remember every school form, appointment, and “special day” at school.

  • And on top of all of this, the highest priority placed on my shoulders was that I needed to earn money and be a top earner.

I was also taught that a good woman shares all of her money. Before the local boy and I married, I had a savings account I had carefully built up. He wanted to buy a car, and the plan was that we would share it. I handed over all of my savings for that car. I never drove it once. That was the beginning. From there, my money flowed into his quests and his decisions: vehicles, projects, whatever he chose. He chose everything. The house, the vehicles, and his big array of tools. By the time I left, I think I walked away with a broken earring and not much else to my name.

From the very beginning, I was instructed that “he does not eat leftovers.” That set the tone. I learned quickly that meals had to be fresh, hot, and ready, no matter how tired I was. The message was clear: his preferences would be protected, my energy would not.

The expectations from the local boy I married were shaped by what he had seen in his own home.

His mother worked hard, carried the finances, did the grocery shopping and cooking, coordinated everything related to the children, and generally kept the house and family functioning. His father earned a low income, built himself a yacht from a kit, and sailed alone every summer.

His mother became my mother-in-law, and whether she meant to or not, she reinforced the script I already held. I remember her saying, “A man needs his hobbies, at least he is not at the beer parlour.”

The quiet message was this:

A good wife is the cook, baker, laundry service, planner, holiday maker, present shopper and wrapper, the one who remembers everyone’s birthdays, and the one who earns the money and increases her qualifications so the family stays afloat.

I recall him saying when finances were low before Christmas, “Oh well, I guess we are not having Christmas.” That one sentence was his way of stepping back, making it clear he was not taking any responsibility or ownership over the problem. It was not his burden to solve. The unspoken message was: If there is going to be Christmas, you will have to figure it out.

So I did.

I promptly expanded the limit on the credit card and ensured my children had Christmas. After that, I decided every January to buy a Canada Savings Bond so that by December there would be money set aside. With that money my children had their Christmas, and often other necessities as well. It was clear that this was my job to figure out. The weight of “how will we provide?” never landed on his shoulders. It landed squarely on mine.

I remember walking in the door after a full day and a long commute, finding him lying on the couch with his arms crossed. When I asked if anything was pulled out for dinner, he said, “Don’t look at me.” My children were hungry, and I distinctly remember starting dinner with my coat still on.

So I did what I believed a “good woman” was supposed to do.

My chosen profession meant that if I wanted better pay, I needed more education. That translated into multiple university degrees. On some of the coldest days, I drove or bussed an hour and a half to get to the university after long, stressful days at work. There was no such thing as online courses at that time. You had to be there in person and engaged in all discussions.

My job did not wrap up neatly at 5 p.m. There were lesson plans, paperwork, marking, report cards, meetings. I did this in the evenings after making supper, managing homework, folding laundry, and making sure permission slips were signed. I did manage to get him to make lunches, which I often provided homemade baking.

I did it without question.
I did it because I thought this was normal.
I did it because I thought this was what love and responsibility looked like.

Inside, I felt less like a powerful woman and more like a pack mule. No wonder I chose jobs where I felt the same.
But back then, I did not see it.


Carrying the spiritual load alone

On top of the practical and financial load, there was the spiritual load.

When we were dating, I believed we were on the same page about faith and church. I took seriously the call to raise children who knew and loved Jesus. I imagined a home where we would worship together, pray together, and grow together in Christ.

After we married, everything shifted.

Sunday mornings turned into battlegrounds. Instead of peaceful preparation for church, there were arguments, eye rolls, and resistance. The children could feel the tension. I became “the one forcing the family” to go to church. The one dragging everyone out the door while being painted as the problem.

I was the one urging, “We need to be there. We need to learn about Jesus. This matters.”
He was the one digging in, resisting, and making it as difficult as possible.

Eventually, I gave up on trying to get the whole family there every week. The exhaustion and conflict wore me down. Stepping back did not bring peace. It simply left a vacuum. Looking back now, I wish I had just gone myself and let the children see their mother, steady and faithful, choosing Christ even when her husband would not.

I was functioning as the spiritual leader of the home, while still trying to respect a man who was not leading spiritually, emotionally, or practically. That mismatch did not just strain the marriage. It sowed confusion in the hearts of our children who remember Sunday mornings as conflict riddled and painful.


When the cracks in the script appeared

Over time, the cracks started to show in every direction.

My then husband worked a clean nine to five job. He did not have to take any work home from the office. His evenings were his. The rhythm of his life outside of work was predictable: supper, television, tinkering with hobbies, more television.

Meanwhile, I was effectively working four jobs:

  1. My full-time paid work.

  2. The unpaid labour of running a home and raising children.

  3. The heavy demands of university courses, papers, and exams so I could keep advancing my salary. ( I honestly believe he thought they just handed me marks and degrees).

  4. On top of that, there was the ongoing prep for my job in the evenings, the marking, the planning, the endless paperwork when I was in different roles that spilled far beyond the workday. And layered over everything, the pressure of being the spiritual engine for the family.

One day, the questions surfaced in my mind, and this time I did not push them down:

  • Why am I working three & four jobs while he works one?

  • Why am I the only one who cooks, especially when he refuses to eat leftovers?

  • Why am I the only one fighting for our children’s spiritual formation?

  • Why does he get evenings off as a default, while I collapse into bed at midnight, only to start again at dawn?

So I asked him, “Why do I have to do all of this?”

His answer landed like a brick:
“My mother did it, and so can you.”

In that moment, the script that had been silently shaping my life came into full view. This was not an accident. It was an expectation. It was entitlement. It was generational conditioning that said, “This is just what women do.”

Later, when I found myself in a job I hated, I tried to talk about it. I tried to open up about how drained and depleted I was. The response was not curiosity or care. It was dismissal:
“Your going to just have to do it. We need the money.”

The full day job, the evening prep, and the constant pressure of university courses stole time from my life. Time I will never get back. Time I longed to spend being present with my children instead of constantly hustling to keep everyone afloat.

To this day, there is a part of me that aches for those lost evenings and weekends. For the unhurried moments I wish I had with my kids when they were young and when they were teenagers.

And to hear glimmers of what this man now relays to my adult children is, quite honestly, delusional. He presents himself as the hard working man who sacrificed endlessly for the family. We all believed that narrative for a time, because that is how he framed it.

But the reality was very different.


Was it his fault?

This is where the story gets complicated.

Was it his fault that he had these expectations? In one sense, no. This is the script we both grew up in. In our neighbourhood, men were allowed to float and women were expected to carry the load. He watched his own mother do everything and absorbed the message that this was simply how life worked.

From his point of view:

  • Expecting hot, fresh meals and “no leftovers” felt normal.

  • Letting me do the emotional, relational and domestic labour felt normal.

  • Treating my university work and multi-job life as necessary, but not remarkable, felt normal.

  • Believing himself to be a “hard working man who respects women” felt normal.

  • Thinking that because he had hobbies and enjoyed working with wood nothing else was required, felt normal.

He did not see me because the script did not require him to. The system we both grew up in made his entitlement invisible to him and very visible to me.

But that does not mean he is innocent. It simply means he was unexamined.

Over time, every adult has opportunities to notice and change:

  • To see, “My wife is constantly working while I watch television every night.”

  • To come to realize, “I’m asking everyone in the family to work 2 or 3 jobs while I work only one.”
  • To hear feedback and actually let it sink in.

  • To repent, adjust, and grow.

  • To ask, “Is this fair? Is this loving?”

When those opportunities are ignored, the harm is no longer just conditioning. It becomes chosen blindness.

That is where my incredulity make sense.

Can you believe this man thinks he is respectful of women? He genuinely does. His definition of respect is built on a narrow frame:

  • “I do not physically assault or overtly chase women.”

  • “I bring home some money.”

  • “I get to make all the fun decisions.” (For example: When building the house he would pull rank— “I get to choose the floor plan, the finishings, and design of the basement. You don’t get a say in the house design, since I work with my hands, I know better.”
  • “Your money is my money and my money is my money.”
  • “I am not at the beer parlour.”

In that frame, he can tell himself and others, “I am a respectful man who works hard.” And if no one holds up a mirror, that story goes unchallenged.

I lived the cost of that story in my body, my time, my nervous system, and lost time with my kids.
He lived the comfort of that story and now retells it in a way that still protects his image.

Seeing that clearly is painful. It is also part of healing.


When the spiritual head refuses to lead

Scripture paints a very different picture of a husband and father.

The Bible calls men to love their wives as Christ loves the church, to nourish and cherish them, to live with them in an understanding way, and to use their strength to protect rather than to dominate. A husband is called to be the spiritual head of the home, not as a tyrant but as a servant leader who lays his life down for his family.

That includes:

  • Speaking of his wife with honour in front of the children no matter if married, separated or divorced.

  • Protecting her dignity, not shredding it behind her back.

  • Providing for the family without turning her into the sole provider and protector.

  • Guarding the spiritual climate of the home, not mocking or resisting the very faith she is trying to live out.

A woman should never need protection from her husband. That includes protection from his callous words and smear campaigns about her. A man who bad mouths his wife to their children, who dismantles her character, or paints her as the problem, is not protecting her. He is wounding the very people he is called to love and care for.

When a man wants to turn the woman into the protector and provider, everything begins to go haywire.

You cannot:

  • Work a woman to death (her physical and emotional health will suffer),

  • Ignore her emotional and relational needs,

  • Undermine her spiritually,
    and still expect her to want to be with you when the children are grown.

When a man refuses his call to protect, provide, and lead spiritually, yet still demands the privileges of headship, he is not simply failing his wife. He is slowly destroying his own family. His children grow up watching the disconnect between his words and his actions. The oddities, excuses and self aggrandizing are evident and confusing. His wife grows tired, then numb, then detached, then blamed for leaving. The marriage becomes a shell long before the legal papers are filed.

Headship without humility is not biblical leadership. It is the worship of self and comfort, and the whole family pays the price.


A word to young women

If you are a young woman dating or thinking about marriage, I want to speak to you gently and clearly.

Do not only look for chemistry, shared hobbies, or how much fun you have together when life is easy. Ask harder questions.

  • Can this man provide? Not that you will never work or contribute, but does he have a settled willingness to shoulder the bulk of that responsibility, to work diligently, and to think about the long-term well-being of a family, not only his own comfort?

  • Can this man protect? Not in a macho, movie-hero way, but in the way he speaks and acts. Does he protect your dignity when you are not in the room? Does he take your safety, your heart, and your reputation seriously? A woman should never need protection from her husband, especially not from his temper, his contempt, or his gossip. If he mocks you now, rolls his eyes at you, or talks down about you to others, that will not magically improve with a wedding ring.

  • Is this man a spiritual leader? Not perfect, but humble and hungry for God. Does he take initiative in prayer, worship, and faith conversations? Does he honour God in the way he treats you? A man who will not follow Christ will not be able to love you the way Christ calls him to.

If you notice that you are already carrying the emotional, practical, financial, and spiritual load in the relationship while he coasts, pay attention. Marriage will not fix that. It will amplify it.

You deserve a partner who stands beside you, not overloads you with burdens you were never meant to carry. If you choose to have children you must choose a husband and father that will care for all of you without causing you distress.


What I see now in the coaching room

In our coaching practice, many men share that they feel unappreciated. And I want to say this clearly: feeling unappreciated is painful, and not all men are entitled or irresponsible. There are many good, faithful, hardworking husbands and fathers who truly carry their share and genuinely love the Lord.

But I also want to tell the truth from the other side.

Because for years, I felt deeply unappreciated too.

Unseen.
Taken for granted.
Spoken about as if I were simply “doing what needed to be done,” when in reality, I was carrying far more than my fair share, including the spiritual burden.

So when a man says in session, “I feel unappreciated,” we often gently explore a few questions:

  • What are you actually carrying?

  • What is your partner carrying?

  • Do you see the invisible labour she does every day?

  • Have you matched it with tangible, consistent partnership?

  • Are you leading spiritually, or resisting and undermining the very faith she is trying to live out?

Sometimes the answer is yes, and there is legitimate hurt on both sides.
Sometimes the answer is no, and the conversation opens a doorway into repentance, repair, and growth.

This is not about shaming men. It is about telling the truth so that both men and women can step into healthier, more honest, more equitable, and more Christlike relationships.


The invisible job description women never agreed to

If any of this is resonating with you, I want you to pause and consider something important:

You were handed a job description for womanhood that you never actually agreed to.

It might sound like:

  • “If I do not think about it, it will not get done.”

  • “If I drop a ball, someone will suffer, and it will be my fault.”

  • “It is easier to do it myself than to ask for help and deal with the fallout.”

  • “He works hard at his job, so I cannot ask for more help at home.”

  • “I should be grateful. Other women have it worse.”

  • “It is my job to keep everyone spiritually okay, no matter what he does or does not do.”

Over time, this invisible job description does not just exhaust your body. It erodes your sense of self.

You may notice:

  • Chronic fatigue and an underlying sense of resentment.

  • Feeling guilty when you sit down or rest.

  • Turning to food or drink to bring you comfort.
  • A sense that your needs are “extra” or “too much.”

  • Difficulty naming what you actually want, beyond what everyone else needs.

  • A low-grade grief that is hard to put into words.

Many women in my coaching practice arrive in this state. They use phrases like:

“I just keep going.”
“I do not know who I am without being productive.”
“I am so tired, but I do not see a way off this treadmill.”

They are powerful, capable, deeply loving women.
But they feel like pack mules.


A faith-based reality check: God did not design you to be a beast of burden

From a Christian perspective, the idea that a woman’s worth is measured by how much she can carry without complaint does not line up with the heart of God.

Jesus invites us:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28–30)

This is not a call to laziness or abandonment of responsibility.
It is a call to shared yoke, shared weight, shared partnership with God and, in healthy relationships, with one another.

If your version of “Christian womanhood” sounds more like:

“Do more, carry more, say less, and never need anything,”

That is not biblical servanthood. That is exploitation dressed up as virtue.

Healthy biblical relationships call both men and women into distinct responsibilities, mutual honour, and mutual sacrifice. Not one person quietly carrying the entire load so that everyone else can be comfortable.

Men need to learn to love their wives properly. Take the burdens off of her so that she can be the calm and loving wife and mother God wants her to be. Men need to step up!

Women you are not called to be a pack mule.
Women you are called to be a whole person.


How to begin putting down the load

If you see yourself in this story, I am not going to pretend that change is simple. These patterns are deep, generational, and often tied to survival. But you can begin to shift them, step by small step.

Here are a few places to start.

1. Name the story you grew up in

Take some time to reflect:

  • What did I learn about what women “should” do?

  • What did I learn about what men “do not have to” do?

  • Who carried the emotional, financial, spiritual, and household load in my family of origin?

  • How has that script shown up in my adult life and relationships?

Sometimes simply naming the story helps you realize, “Wait a second. I never agreed to this.”

2. Do a “load inventory”

On paper, list everything you carry in a typical week. Include:

  • Paid work and commuting

  • Household tasks (meals, cleaning, laundry)

  • Mental load (scheduling, remembering, anticipating needs)

  • Emotional labour (reassuring others, smoothing conflict, checking in)

  • Spiritual labour (initiating church, prayer, devotions)

  • Extended family responsibilities

  • Church or community commitments

Then ask:

  • What here genuinely lines up with my values and calling?

  • What here could be shared, delegated, reduced, or released?

  • Where am I doing things out of fear, guilt, or habit rather than conscious choice?

3. Have one honest conversation at a time

If you are in a relationship, this is where it gets real.

Rather than dropping a lifetime of resentment in one conversation, choose one area to talk about. For example:

  • “I feel overwhelmed being the only one who plans meals and groceries. Can we look at how to share this more fairly?”

  • “I need us both to be involved in planning holidays and birthdays, not only me. Let us sit down and divide tasks.”

  • “I cannot be the only one caring about our family’s spiritual life. I need you to engage here too.”

You are not demanding perfection. You are asking for partnership.

Is it risky? Yes.
Will everyone respond well? Not always.
But honesty is essential if you want something healthier than quiet resentment.

4. Experiment with “good enough” instead of “superhuman”

Sometimes the pack mule pattern is reinforced by perfectionism.

Try gentle experiments like:

  • Buying a simpler meal rather than cooking from scratch every time.

  • Letting other people help wrap gifts or live with less elaborate holidays.

  • Saying no to gatherings you truly do not have capacity for.

  • Leaving a task undone and tolerating the discomfort that follows.

  • Going to church yourself, even if no one else comes, and letting that be enough for that day.

These are not acts of selfishness. They are acts of recovery.

5. Invite men to grow, do not just silently compensate

If you are raising sons, loving a partner, or coaching young men, part of shifting this pattern is inviting them into a different story of manhood.

A story where:

  • Caring for children is not “helping,” it is parenting.

  • Cooking, cleaning, and planning are basic adult skills, not gendered chores.

  • Spiritual leadership looks like humility, consistency, and care, not control.

  • Emotional availability and responsibility are marks of maturity, not weakness.

This is not about hating men. It is about refusing to cover for immaturity that harms everyone, including them.


Questions for reflection

You might want to journal or pray through a few of these:

  • Where in my life do I feel most like a pack mule instead of a person?

  • What fear rises up when I even imagine putting one piece of that load down?

  • Whose voice do I hear in my mind when I consider resting or saying no?

  • What would a “shared load” look like in my home, even in small ways?

  • In what ways have I been carrying the spiritual burden alone, and what might need to change?

  • What might God be inviting me to lay down, not because it is unimportant, but because it no longer needs to be carried by me alone?


You are allowed to be powerful without being crushed

Being a powerful woman does not mean being endlessly available, endlessly productive, and endlessly self-forgetting.

True strength includes:

  • The courage to tell the truth about what is not working.

  • The humility to ask for help.

  • The wisdom to rest.

  • The faith to believe that God’s design for you is more than constant exhaustion.

At Waypoint Wellness & Performance Coaching, I work with many women who are in this very wrestle. They love their families, they are deeply committed to doing what is right, and they are also deeply tired.

If you recognize yourself in these words and you would like a safe space to unpack your story, explore healthier patterns, and begin to lay down some of that invisible load, I would be honoured to walk alongside you.

You are not a pack mule.
You are a person, deeply loved by God, worthy of rest, partnership, and joy. I believe you also get to make some of the fun decisions too!

  • To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here
  • Did you know Lesley is also an author?
    Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
    📖 See it here on Amazon

High-Conflict Ex Smears Their Own Adult Children: Sibling Guide

The part everyone knows—and the part almost no one names

In high-conflict divorces, we all recognize the smear of the ex-spouse and the ex’s new partner. Less discussed, but just as destructive, is a second smear campaign that runs inside the family: one child is positioned as the “ally,” while another is criticized, undermined, and misrepresented to siblings, new partners, and extended family. This isn’t tough love. It is abuse that fractures sibling bonds, rewrites family history, and leaves the targeted adult child carrying shame, isolation, and confusion.

How the inside-the-family smear works

  • Triangulation: The high-conflict parent pulls a child into the adult dispute to gain validation and control.

  • Denigration: They repeat character attacks about the targeted sibling (“unstable,” “selfish,” “just like your mother/father”) until others begin to treat that sibling as if the story were true.

  • Differential treatment: Favours, confidences, access, or money go to the “ally” while the target is sidelined or scapegoated. Over time, roles harden: golden child, problem child, silent bystander.

A close-up scenario

An adult daughter flies in from out of town to stay at her dad’s. She overhears him telling his new girlfriend, and later her brother, that she’s selfish and “just like her grandmother.” The next day the air is colder: clipped greetings, jokes at her expense, stone faces at the table. By day three, the brother is openly yelling at her on the phone as her father made himself into a victim. The brother thinks he is defending his poor victimized dad and doesn’t know his emotions have been hijacked by his loyalty.

Translation: a smear was seeded in private, then acted out in public. The daughter isn’t “too sensitive”; she’s living in a house where contempt is the rulebook.

What the targeted sibling feels and why it sticks

  • Physiological stress and hypervigilance: You scan for the next hit. Sleep and focus suffer.

  • Relational constriction: You speak less to avoid “feeding the gossip mill,” which then gets spun as proof that you’re cold.

  • Shame and identity threat: Being mischaracterized by a parent cuts deep; it makes you question your memory and your worth.

  • Loss of felt safety: Warmth can’t grow where you expect sudden contempt.

Why the favoured sibling often “can’t see it”

  • Proximity and perks feel like love: Special access and confidences are intoxicating; they mask the coercion beneath.

  • Loyalty bind: Agreeing with the parent is the price of peace. Being a caring soul, the favoured adult child has empathy that is being exploited.

  • Narrative capture: Repetition reframes ordinary differences as moral defects in the smeared sibling. Once “who she is” gets fixed in the story, evidence to the contrary is ignored.

Why this is abuse of all the siblings

  • Role lock-in: Ally, target, fence-sitter—everyone loses freedom to be a whole person.

  • Communication collapse: Group chats fracture, visits feel staged, and “logistics” become battlegrounds.

  • Identity foreclosure: Each sibling begins to live down to their assigned role; generosity and curiosity shrink.

  • Generational ripple: Nieces and nephews absorb it through seating charts, invites, and whispered explanations.

What to do: a practical playbook

For the targeted (smeared) sibling

Your aim: reclaim dignity, reduce exposure, and protect future possibilities with your siblings.

In the moment

  • “I heard you discussing me last night. If there’s feedback, bring it to me directly and respectfully. I won’t be discussed with third parties.”

  • “I won’t be yelled at. If we’re talking, it has to be at a normal volume.”

  • “I’m here to visit, not to defend myself. Let’s focus on logistics and keep it courteous.”

Structural moves

  • Stay elsewhere during visits to keep an exit route and lower exposure.

  • Keep hot topics in writing (brief, neutral messages) to avoid misquoting.

  • Decline tribunals: “If you want a clearing conversation, I’m open with a neutral setting or facilitator.”

  • Name your boundary once, then act: No debating the smear point-by-point; enforce respectful process.

Self-care anchors

  • Daily decompression (walks, prayer/Scripture, journaling).

  • Two “safe” contacts you update after difficult interactions.

  • A short, prepared statement to stop rumination: “This is a smear, not my identity. My actions today will tell my story.”

For the leaving spouse (targeted parent)

Your aim: stop the triangle, model respect, and protect each child’s direct relationship with you.

  • No messages through kids—ever. “If your dad/mom has a concern, they can contact me directly.”

  • Consistent, low-reactivity contact with every child. Texts, check-ins, and one-to-one time—steady beats spectacular.

  • Equal access and information. Don’t create your own “ally.” Share the same basic updates with all siblings.

  • Name reality without vilifying: “I’m hearing different stories about me. I won’t litigate the past. I’m here for a respectful, direct relationship with you.”

  • Document and de-escalate: Keep records of volatile incidents; don’t counter-smear.

For the other siblings (including the favoured one)

Your aim: refuse the triangle, protect the relationship with your sibling, and keep your integrity.

  • Process over verdicts: “I’m not taking messages, and I won’t talk about her/him behind their back. If you have an issue, please tell them directly.”

  • No labels or diagnoses: Describe behaviours, not character (“Yesterday felt tense when voices rose”).

  • Rebalance contact: Create sibling-only spaces, that is, a walk, coffee, video chat—away from the smearing parent’s orbit.

  • Set micro-boundaries: “If the conversation turns into bashing, I’ll end it and we can try again another time.”

  • If you’re the favoured one: Notice the price of peace you’re paying. If siding with a parent requires mistreating a sibling, it’s not peace instead it is control.

For extended family and new partners

Your aim: refuse recruitment, keep dignity in the room, and lower temperature.

  • “I talk to people, not about them. If you want to raise a concern, let’s invite her/him to the conversation.”

  • “I’m happy to host visits where everyone is treated respectfully; otherwise, I’ll step back.”

A short plan you can print

  1. Choose one boundary sentence from above and use it this week.

  2. Schedule one sibling-only touchpoint (15–30 minutes).

  3. Decide where you’ll stay for the next visit.

  4. Write a two-line “post-incident” note to yourself: what happened, what you did that aligned with your values.

  5. If the cycle repeats, bring in a neutral third party (trained family-systems clinician, pastor, or mediator).

A pastoral, hopeful close

Smear campaigns are loud, but love is patient and consistent. You don’t have to win the argument to reclaim your life; you have to live the truth, that exemplifies calmness, steadiness with boundaries. Keep choosing dignity over drama, direct talk over gossip, and compassion that refuses to enable abuse. Over time, steady integrity becomes the clearest story in the room.

To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here

For further reading check out, Peace in your life

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon

Healing After a High-Conflict Divorce: Peace That Lasts

When will I ever have peace?

If you’re asking that, you are not alone. You left a marriage where conflict was a sport and control was the scoreboard, yet the aftermath can feel just as chaotic. Your ex keeps raising hell at every turn: slander in whispers and in public posts, triangulating the kids, stirring suspicion with relatives, throwing grenades into holidays, family gatherings, even casual conversation. He does not only hurt you with the lies; he wounds his own children by recruiting them as witnesses and messengers, placing them in the crossfire and calling it “truth-telling.”

You feel the ache in a dozen directions at once. A text from one child, tight with worry. A cold shoulder from another who only heard one side. A friend pulling back because the drama exhausts them. And beneath it all, your body bracing, that is, sleep interrupted, chest tight, mind racing. You wonder if the smear will ever stop. If your kids will ever see clearly. If you will be known again without someone else’s script overlaying your life.

Here is the honest truth: the chaos can continue out there for a long time perhaps permanently. But peace can begin in you now. I know this is hard to believe, but read on.


There is hope for healing

Healing is not denial. It is a steady, practical return to clarity, safety, and dignity, regardless of whether the other person changes. It is the daily reconstruction of a life where your nervous system can settle, your faith can breathe, and your children or adult children encounter you as the calm, honest parent you’ve always wanted to be.

What follows are strategies that help.


Build a home where your children and adult children can breathe

You cannot control who your ex tries to recruit. You can create a radically different experience under your roof.

  • Predictable rhythms. Regular meals, sleep, and shared rituals teach bodies to feel safe again.

  • Name what is normal. “In this house, we speak directly. We do not gossip. We take breaks when emotions run high.”

  • Repair in real time. When you miss it, model responsibility. “I raised my voice. That was not okay. I am sorry. Here is what I will do differently.”

  • Invite, do not insist. Adult children need agency. Offer time together, not ultimatums.


Nervous system care that actually helps

Healing from chronic emotional chaos is physical as much as it is cognitive. Try these brief practices and teach them to your kids:

  • 4-7-8 breathing. Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8. Repeat four times.

  • Orienting. Look around the room and name five colors, four sounds, three textures you can feel, two scents, one taste.

  • Grounding walk. Ten minutes outdoors, phone away. Match breath to steps.

  • Micro-journaling. Two columns: “What I can control” and “What I entrust to God.”

  • Body kindness. Hydration, protein with breakfast, light movement. Small choices steady big feelings.


Boundaries that keep you free

Limit contact to essentials. If co-parenting requires communication, use brief written updates and do not respond to provocations

Define an exit. End conversations when they turn abusive. “I am ending this call. We can talk another time.”

NO TRIANGLES:

  1. Do not use your children as messengers.
  2. If an adult child confronts you in anger after hearing a false narrative, stay calm. Be honest and brave.
  3. If the adult child is bashing a sibling because of the instigating parent’s narrative, refuse the triangle.

Quick scripts

  • “I hear you’re upset. My experience as a spouse was very different from your experience as a child. I won’t debate secondhand claims.”

  • “I will not get in the middle of you and your sibling. There is almost always another side here that the narrative left out.”

  • “Let’s keep our family out of triangles. Speak directly to the person involved, and I will do the same.”


Faith that steadies the soul

Grace does not mean pretending abuse was mutual. Grace means you anchor your identity in God, not in someone’s opinion of you.

  • Daily surrender. “Lord, I release what is not mine to carry. Lead me in what is mine to do.”

  • Scripture to rehearse. Psalms for honesty and comfort, Romans for identity, the Gospels for the way of Jesus that holds both truth and love.

  • Prayer for your former spouse. Not to re-enter chaos, but to release bitterness. “God, examine our hearts. Bring conviction, repentance, and healing. Keep me wise and grounded.”


You being to heal: A quiet you can finally trust

Here is what will happen for you over time. Whether you left with quiet dignity or stumbled out bruised and breathless, one truth stands: you are not there anymore. You are no longer jolted awake by circular arguments. You are not running interference for a partner who abandoned logic in the name of control. In the beginning, the aftershocks are real. But with time and practice, what once pierced now bounces off. The story that used to flood your body with panic starts to lose its charge. You realize you do not have to explain, defend, or answer to nonsense. You are free.


From “bomb blasts” to water guns

In that marriage, every conflict felt like a bomb going off. They weaponized everything: memories, moments, and sometimes even those you loved most, your children, trying to force your surrender. You walked on eggshells, bracing for detonation.

Now, with distance, the illusion is exposed. The “bomb” was a water gun. Loud, dramatic, and soaking, but not life-ending. The intimidation was the performance of power, not the presence of it. Like a tiny chihuahua barking at a big world, their noise was meant to look formidable. It worked for a time. It does not work on you anymore.

You can smile now, breathe, and recognize: I survived the storm. The storm is now over. Be yourself, that is, the you from before the trauma, and the wiser you who has grown through it. Be free. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, they were not in an intimate relationship with that person. They did not live with that level of volatility. It is now over. Be at peace.


When noise fades: the light widens

There comes a day when you hear the same old rumour and it lands like static on a radio in another room. You notice a small pigeonhole of light at the end of a long hallway. It is narrow at first, just enough to see your next step. Then it grows. Day by day it widens until the whole wall opens and the light spills in.

You step outside. You can feel the breeze on your face. It twirls a strand of hair across your cheek. The grass is cool beneath your feet. Your pet leans against your leg and you feel the soft fur under your fingers. You wrap your hands around a warm cup of tea. The sunrise edges over the horizon. You whisper a prayer of thanks that the storm has ended within you, regardless of what still rages out there.

Gratitude rises. Gratitude that you made it out. Gratitude that despite years of weaponized words and attempts to use your children as human shields, the threats were only noise. Gratitude that hope now stretches forward for you and for those you love as their own eyes clear. You are free. You are free.


Reflection questions

  • Water gun or bomb? Where am I still reacting as if a water gun is a bomb—what specific situation can I reinterpret this week?

  • Static in the next room. What rumour or narrative can I allow to fade into background “static” without responding?

  • The pigeonhole of light. What is today’s small opening—one step that widens my light (a call, a boundary, a restful choice)?

  • Senses that settle me. When did I last feel the breeze, grass, warm cup, soft fur, or watch a sunrise—how can I schedule one of these grounding moments daily?

  • Gratitude that grows. List three things I’m grateful for because I left the chaos—and one hope I’m praying over those I love.

  • No more human shields. How will I keep the kids out of triangles this week (one script or boundary I’ll use)?

  • Freedom from defending. What accusation will I stop explaining, defending, or answering this month—and what value will I act from instead?


What healing looks like in real life

Healing is not performative serenity. It is the slow, faithful return of order to your inner world and everyday routines. Look for these markers along the way:

  • Your body settles faster. Triggers may still come, but your heart rate and breathing return to baseline more quickly.

  • You stop chasing correction. You no longer feel compelled to rebut every rumour or set the record straight with every relative.

  • Your home becomes a haven. Your children and adult children experience you as steady, warm, and honest. They encounter the you who is not in distress.

  • Your decisions align with values, not fear. You choose boundaries and responses that reflect your character rather than react to their chaos.

  • Compassion grows without naïveté. You can pray for your ex’s healing and repentance while keeping firm limits.


But they are still smearing me. Why it matters less and less

High-conflict people often maintain hostility for years. The goal is not to change them. The goal is to become the person who is no longer moved by their campaigns.

Two truths help:

  1. You do not live in that courtroom anymore. Their accusations only have power where you grant jurisdiction.

  2. Reality is on your side. Over time, consistent, peaceful living becomes its own evidence. People who matter will notice.


Simple scripts for when rumours resurface

  • “I will not speak poorly about their parent. I am focused on what is healthy for us today.”

  • “Thanks for letting me know. I am not engaging in that narrative.”

  • “I disagree with that story. Here is what I am doing now to build a peaceful life.”

  • “If your other parent wants to talk about me, tell them to call me.”


A simple plan for the next 90 days

Weeks 1–4

  • Breath and grounding practice twice daily.

  • Declutter one space to make home visibly calmer.

  • Decide your three communication rules and post them where you will see them.

Weeks 5–8

  • One weekly gathering with your children or trusted friends. Food, laughter, no agenda.

  • Write a short personal creed. “In conflict, I will do X. I will not do Y.”

Weeks 9–12

  • Review what still triggers you and choose one healthy response to practice.

  • Serve someone quietly. Healing expands when we bless others.


A closing prayer

“Father, thank You for leading me out of chaos. Teach my body to live in peace, my mind to dwell on what is true, and my heart to keep soft without becoming unsafe. Bless my children with safety, clarity, and hope. I release what is not mine to carry and receive the freedom Christ secured for me. Amen.”


Author’s note for readers in the thick of it

If you are still hearing fresh accusations, it may take years before they stop. They may never stop. Your peace does not depend on their repentance. It rests on the steady, daily choice to live truthfully, regulate wisely, and walk with God. The war may go with them to the grave. You have already laid down your weapons and walked home for the sake of your children and yourself.

To reach out to George or Lesley for coaching support head over to the contact page. Click Here

For further reading check out: Parental Alienation: Lasting Harm, Control, and Healing

Did you know Lesley is also an author?
Her book Blindsided: Help, Hope & Healing for Parents Coping with Estrangement has reached parents worldwide, offering strength and direction.
📖 See it here on Amazon